My Dyslexic Dog, Radar!

My dog, Radar, is dyslexic. The only good thing about that is that it doesn’t matter whether he spells his name backwards or not, it still comes out right! Anyway, I am a progressive owner and I really didn’t mind and I helped him get the training he needed from a professional dog trainer who knows how to deal with doggie dyslexia.
I thought he was making great strides in his progress. He no longer threw the ball for me to retrieve or scratched for fleas before the itch came. All seemed to be going along smoothly.

In fact, things were so great and I had begun to trust him impeccably and I thought I would build up his self-esteem by giving him a part-time job with my business as an “errand-dog” and to answer the phones at the front desk of my real estate business.
His first job was to deliver the advertisement to the newspaper to sell a new listing. He took down my instructions in doggie shorthand and flew off to the newspaper.
The next morning, the phone was ringing off the hook. What the heck was going on?
“Radar? Radar! Aren’t you going to get that?”
But, alas, he was on the other line fielding other calls and busily scribbling notes down with his paw.
So, I answered it…
“Hello, are you the owner?”
“Has anyone bought you yet?”
I hung up, confused, and opened up the newspaper and read…”One owner for sale—cheap!!” This was in place of my instructed ad, “For sale by owner—cheap!”
I guess the dyslexia thing still needs some work…

My Dog Has Multiple Personality Disorder!

I was ready to spend some quality owner-dog time with my dog and went to find him for a friendly game of “fetch.”

He said he would love to play a game with me but was feeling a little weak from hunger and asked me if I could I bring him three bowls of food.

“Hmm…” I began, “Isn’t that a little much? After all, there is only one of you!”

“Well, I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but…I have a condition. You see, this is so hard…I suffer from—Multiple Personality Disorder. One of my personalities thinks that he is the real one and that I am actually HIS imaginary friend. He is WAY out there. Then, there’s another that is an ax murderer. He tried to kill me in his sleep. So, I just decided not to wake up, at least until he took a nap.

Anyway, all of them are extremely hungry and if you want us to play, we need to eat and—sooner is definitely better than later!”

Wow, this was quite a shock! My poor dog! I quickly went to get him, I mean THEM, their food. I think I am going to need a second job to feed all my dog’s personalities!

I Cured My Dog of Insomnia

My dog has been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. He has “dog insomnia.”

As I was peacefully asleep in my bed, I was suddenly started by a noise and awoke. I kept hearing loud “howls” coming from my living room.
I walked in and said, “What’s up pal? What are you doing up at 3 a.m?”

He rubbed his eyes and said, “Oh thank God you are here! I have been trying for hours and hours to go to sleep but no luck!”

I asked, “Oh, I am sorry my dear canine buddy. Lots of people…and apparently, dogs…have trouble sleeping. There are things you can do to help. Hmm…let’s see. Have you tried counting sheep?”

“Oh yeah!” Then he laughed and continued, “But that just makes me want lamb chops!” And then he licked his lips…

“Yeah, I guess maybe that won’t work. How about reading a book? That ALWAYS puts me to sleep!”

“Oh yes,” he sighed loudly, “but all you have in your library are cook books, so still SO hungry!”

I could see he desperately needed help. If he was hungry, maybe that was the problem! I cooked him his favorite, steak and eggs. He ate them and then asked me to rub his belly after that big meal gave him a tummy ache. That did the trick! He was fast asleep!

So, I guess I cured of insomnia. Now, I am wide awake! Oh well, since now “I” can’t sleep, I am going to raid the fridge and catch the late, late, late, late show. Sheesh…

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