My Dog’s Tribute Poem to Me
My dog, Lazy, wrote me a Valentine’s Day poem. I thanked him but I asked him if he knew that Valentine’s Day was now over. He shrugged and said, “A week here, a week there…What?? You expect I should tell time now? I am only a dog you know!”
I replied, “Okay, okay, Lazy! Take it easy! Why don’t you go ahead and read your poem since you already went to all the trouble.”
Lazy: Well now, that’s more like it. I thought I was gonna have to call Mugsy again to teach you some respect!
Me: Oh no! Not Mugsy…Okay pal, please read me the poem!
Lazy: [Clears throat]
An Owed to my Owner
My owner, my owner
He’s really great
My owner you know, he ain’t no cheapskate
My owner is the best
If you like a real tease
He flirts with all the ladies
Then leaves them like the breeze
He saves all his money for the ladies
So he’ll buy you all the best
He gets all his dough
From cheating the IRS!
My owner is tough
Ain’t no cop gonna bring him in
He lives at 808 Broadway
If you wanna try it
Hey, it’s your funeral!!
Me: Lazy, umm…that didn’t rhyme, at least not that last line…
Lazy: Hey, what you expect? I’m just a dog you know. I posted this on your Facebook. Your welcome, and Happy Valentine’s Day!!
Oh boy…I don’t think I ought to go home just now. Anybody out there got a spare room?? Or maybe an airplane ticket to South America??
My Dog Wrote the Worst Valentine’s Day Poem
My dog, Romeo, has been pining away for his sweetheart, “Fifi” the French poodle–and asked me to listen as he recited a poem he had written to her to declare his undying love. Here’s how it went…
You make my heart go pitter-patter
Doctor heard it said
What’s the matter?
I said I have a love who’s really great
We eat at McDonald’s
She don’t think I’m a cheapskate
You smells better than aqua velva
In other words, I think you’re swell-va
You are the cheese on my macaroni
I really like you
Thank ain’t no baloney
In the bowling alley of life
You’d be at least an eight
If you could work on getting more strikes
That’d be really great
You are the jelly in my PB&J
Without you, people would say, hey!
You’ve got peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth!
My dog Romeo then looked up at me and said, “Well, what do you think?”
I shook my head at Romeo and said, “You are driving me to drink! You’re sentiments are great, don’t get me wrong, But put the poem back in your pocket, it’s where it belongs!
Just take Fifi out to lunch…and try not to say much! Sheesh!!
A Fish Tale Realized: to be, or not to be
I remember as a teenager I enjoyed sitting alongside the shore of a small river near my home with my dog. One day I was distraught over a recent quarrel I had with a lady-friend. She declared that socks come with a mate and they must be paired for life. I argued that socks are a promiscuous sort and would pair up with any old sock that happened by.
Anyway, I was sitting by my river of retribution and I got lost in deep thought. My dog was laying on my lap and I found myself wishing that I was a fish as to lead a trouble-free life. I wished harder and harder for hours it seemed. Then, suddenly I was struggling to breathe and frantically flopping around on the shore like a fish out of water.
That was because I WAS a fish out of water! My dream had come true and I was dying from oxygen over-intoxication (my own diagnosis) and I no longer wished to be a fish. It took a great effort to flip myself into the water but I managed to do so.
I immediately wished that I hadn’t wished that I was a fish! As I was dodging the bigger bully-fishes and snapping turtles I screamed, “NEVER blub blub MIND! I blub blub DON’T WANT blub TO BE blub A FISH!” I sped away and crashed into a wall – I said, “oh, dam…”
Then my second wish came true and I was transformed back into a human again — I was immensely relieved. Relieved, and drowning! I wildly swam toward shore (doing the back stroke, judges give extra points for doing the back-stroke while nearly drowning in my world) and pulled myself out of the water relatively death-free. My dear old dog was there to greet me and lick the s**t out of my face.
Opposite of everyone else’s consensus; never again did I wish to be anything but myself. To this day I can’t even get myself to eat a McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish, but I hope to someday…
The “Dog to English: App” – A Dog Poem
I downloaded a “Dog to English” app and learned that my dog is a poet.
Here is some of what he versed.
I’m fed once a day, and it’s always the same,
Really humans, RUFF, this is so lame.
Sometimes I have fleas, and this I don’t mind,
I give them to you, we’re two of a kind.
I lick myself clean, and this you can’t stand,
I’d teach you how, but it’s impossible for man.
You throw a stick, and expect me to chase,
This is so crazy, I feel full of disgrace.
I like to chase cats, but I never catch one,
Is this a bad trait, should it not be so fun?
I drink from the toilet, because it is there,
It’s so cool and so crisp, but you humans wouldn’t dare.
I like to chase windshield wipers, when I’m in the car,
I feel so stupid, this practice is bizarre.
When the mailman cometh, I protect you from him,
He comes to kill us all, so I bite him on the shin.
If humans did like us, and sniffed one another,
The world would be full, with billions of brothers from another mother!