My Dog’s Facebook Account
My dog approached me the other day and told me I was “uncool” as an owner and needed to get with the times. All his friends had Facebook accounts and he was the only dog on the block without one!
I retorted with “Well, if all your friends were jumping off a bridge would you do it too?”
With that he went into his dog house and slammed the door. He pouted for days, only coming out for meals and to give me “cold hard stares.”
He wouldn’t even play catch with me. I grew tired of the cold shoulder treatment and finally relented and let him set up his own Facebook account. Finally, maybe I could get some peace!
All seemed to be back to normal. One day I heard him howling with laughter and doggie tears were coming out of his eyes. I couldn’t help but wonder what was so funny! I waited for him to leave and took a look at his status updates and checked out his conversation with his friend Louie…
Louie: OMG! My owner just said they are having “hot dogs” for dinner! HOW RUDE!! How about we asked them for some “canned human?” LOL! ROFL! SMH!
My Dog: LOL! IDK!! What about what my human said, “The neighborhood is going down. Really went to the dogs!!” What a dog racist… WTH!!
Louie: WTH!! Humans are such a sub-species! But hey, I can’t complain much. Where else could you get free meals, chew up furniture, sneak beer out of the fridge, pee on the rug and then just sleep it off… I’ll play catch and roll over a couple of times to keep a gig like this! ROFLMAO!!
My Dog: Hey, I hear you bro! It’s a DOG’s LIFE!! VBG!! BBL my BFF! Oh, and make sure you CYA!!
I knew it. My dog IS a CIA agent. I am going to have to study hard to crack this secret code…
My Dog Dissed Me on Facebook
My dog posted about me on his K-9 Facebook page. To protect the innocent, the names of these dogs have been eliminated.
My dog: Here are 35 pictures of my cute little puppy.
Dog 2 comment: Oy vey, can you cut it down to less than 100 photos a day? PLEASE!
My dog: I saw a couple of snakes outside today. They looked like this S S LOL!
Dog 2: Oh, I know them, their kids look like this s s s lol.
My dog: Hey, dude, my idiot master bought me that square green dog food again! I soooo hate it! BOL! (Bark Out Loud) It’s like, I’m chewing on my toe nails for HOL! (howling out loud)
Dog 2: RUFF! That bites. OMG, I got me a slice of pizza off the kitchen table last night! It was wicked awesome!
My dog: AHAHAA WOOF HAHA! Good for you dude, I’m lucky if I get a piece of crust tossed at me once in a fort night.
Dog 2: Humans are so goofy! Hey, my impression of a cat: “Meow, oh pet me, pay any attention to me, please, cuddle me, scratch me, love me, love me…” Or was that you? BOL! Gotta go, LUL (Lick U Later)
My dog: Everyone’s a comedian, SMH…
Always Lock Your Computer!
If you know what’s good for you, never leave your computer unlocked, especially if you have a social media mutt nut like mine!
I got called out unexpectedly on a job and when I got back; my Facebook was literally blowing up! I put on my glasses to get a better look and what I saw nearly made me cry…
Posted to my best friend’s wife’s wall: “Hey baby, how about some beef steak tonight?”
To my female veterinarian’s wall: “I’ve got an itch that only you can scratch!”
To my next door neighbor, “I have to make a confession to clear my conscience. You know those big piles you step in every day? Yeah, well, that’s me. I also chew up your newspaper every morning. I go outside to pee first thing every morning then I make a beeline to your yard to take care of my business. Thanks for letting me get that off my conscience pal. Confession is good for the soul, or so they say! LOL! I feel so much better now…”
OMG!! I have lots of ‘splaining to do Lucy! I have been reported, flagged, unfriended and blocked. Heck, I may even have to resign my job and move, maybe even leave the country!!
I Am A Cyber-Juggler
Today folks, I shall attempt a never-been-done before feat of skill. I will stupefy and amaze you all by juggling my three dogs.
While I am juggling my dogs, the dogs will be juggling three cats. No worries, they are trained to refrain from eating cats.
While I am juggling my three dogs that are juggling three cats, the cats will be juggling three mice. The cats are also trained.
While I am juggling my dogs that are juggling cats that are juggling mice, the mice will be juggling little cheese balls. Okay folks, here we go…
Suddenly, I woke up to a crashing thunder! It was raining cats and dogs outside – or at least puppies and kittens. I looked over on the bed and my dog was eating my open bag of puffed cheese balls.
My cat was monitoring the cheese ball crime as it played out… The mouse… I just can’t explain.
Wait! I’ve got it! I had to use a mouse to navigate to this page.
I hope you enjoyed the TAILS of this cyber juggler!!
*Disclaimer: There was no actual juggling of dogs, cats, mice, or cheese balls. Not responsible for any and all copycat cyber-juggler incidents.
My Dog Internet Dating Tips
My dog came to me…said he’s feeling lonely and it’s time for him to meet that, well, special someone!
I feel his pain, I really do, but I tried to warn him of the potential hazards and downfalls of canine dating sites and offered him these helpful tips!
• Only the first day of membership is free, after that, being a member will cost you a paw and a bone!
• Females tend to put up fake photos. While she looks great online, she could be—well, a real dog!!
• If you go to the movies and she falls asleep, leave her be…You should always let sleeping dogs lie!
• Don’t buy her expensive gifts, she’ll think she’s got you wrapped around her little paw!
• When she asks about your favorite hobby, don’t tell her it is chasing tail!!
• Take it slow. You should never ask to see her bone on the first date!
• Don’t try to impress her by lying about your job. You are NOT a professional dog breeder!!
Well, I think he should do well with my expert advice. I am excited for him and I hope it works out. I am so ready to have grand puppies!!
My Dog, the Internet Star?
My dog is pretty…well, let’s just say he is impressionable and somewhat naïve. He tends to fall prey to every new scheme and idea that comes along.
Take the new cat obsession craze on YouTube. I walked in to my house the other day and it was in utter disarray! Broken class, the floors were soaked and the place reeked of booze! Here is what he said when I asked what happened:
Well, it’s like this…You see, cats are grabbing all the glory on YouTube these days and I thought it was high time to put an end to this domination and deception by the furred feline felons.
All I had to do was post a few clever “dog” videos and dogs would be on top again…uh huh, king of the hill, King of the jungle, Lord of the rings…Okay, you get the idea. Anyway, so, I decided to use my talents and you know what a GREAT singer I am.
SO…well, I needed a backdrop for the song I choose. It was 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
HAHA!! Okay, yeah, well, carpentry was never my strong point…
As I looked around at the broken glass, the hammer, the nails, the holes in the wall, the realization slowly began to dawn on me of the carnage that had happened here in my living room.
I could feel my blood begin to boil when this walking canine catastrophe laughed and said to me, “Hey, look at the bright side. We could turn this joint into a bar. You already got the beer smell thing down pat! Oh, I mean, Roy. Your name is Roy, isn’t it?”
My Dog Can Text, How Lovely!
I’ve been working a lot lately and my dog is mad at me because of it. Starved for attention, he’s been doing things he knows he shouldn’t be doing. He’s developed a vengeful personality it seems.
Today he texted me and it read, “I just desecrated your bed.”
I answered, “Well, now we are even it seems.”
Dog: “Ahhh, this water in the elevated bowl in the bathroom is quite refreshing.”
Me; “Sounds like ur-ine trouble my boy, lol!”
He replied, “I just fed your goldfish to the cat.”
I wrote, “The constant swimming back & forth was driving me nuts anyway.”
Next he wrote, “I just took a bubble bath, I’m on your leather La-Z-Boy recliner and I’m about to wildly shake to remove all the water from my fur. Then I’m going to pan out all those disgusting magazines you have and roll around in them.”
Me, “NOOOOO!! BAD DOG! BAD DOG! AND I READ THEM FOR THE INTERESTING ARTICLES!”
Final dog entry, “Dude, no one believes you, moron.”
Me: “That’s it, we are taking a little ride tomorrow and you are getting neutered! And Spayed!”