My Dog Watches Too Much Football
My dog, Hero, just loves to play catch! But lately, he’s been taking it to the extreme, He yells, “I’m going long Tom and I’m open!”
I have been playing along but today he just took things a little too far! After I threw him the ball and he went long for the pass, he caught it and brought it back and placed it at my feet.
“Tom, what did you do to my ball? It’s…deflated!”
I assured him that it was the same ball we always play with…with no more or less air than usual!
He eyed me suspiciously and said he’s sending it off to the ball lab for analysis. Then, he spiked the ball and did a celebration dance!
I’d had enough and told him, “Well, that’s quite enough from you for today! The only thing I am deflating is your ego, Hero! No more NFL for you!”
Then he told me I was ejected from the game and he fined me for unsportsmanlike conduct! I hung my head in shame and make my way to the locker room, I mean, the kitchen! Oh the shame, ejected from my own back yard!
Hey…wait a minute!!
My Dog Thinks He Is Scooby Doo!
I’ve been searching for my remote control for a while now with no success! I grilled my family who swore they had neither seen nor touched it. Finally, after exhausting all other possibilities, I found it tucked neatly away in my dog’s bed, underneath his favorite doggie toys.
Curiosity got the best of me, so I waited up one night to see what he could possibly be watching on late night doggie television—and there he was, howling at the television with doggie tears of laughter coming out of his eyes. He was watching Scooby Doo. This would explain his odd behavior as of late including:
• Barking with an “r” in front of every word. It kind of sounds like this… “Rark, rark, rark!”
• Every time I try to take a bite of my dinner I hear him gasp, “Ruh roh!”
• He ate all the frozen pizzas and came to me and said, “Dude, you’re like out of pizza again!”
• Every time the curtains blow in the wind, he jumps up in my lap trembling, screaming “Rhosts!”
He is completely neurotic! That’s it—I am taking my remote control back and he is forbidden from watching Scooby Doo again! Now—I’m like starving dude! Zoinks! I hope those meddling kids didn’t like eat all of the cheese and pickle pizza again!
While Watching Scooby Doo
I was watched the Scooby Doo movie last night with my pooch, Freddie. I had treated myself to a few goblets of wine and I gave Fred some of his doggy treats. I nuked up some popcorn, but only for me. He got a kernel stuck in his nostril last week and the other nostril kept whistling. Oddly enough, I’m pretty sure it was whistling the theme song from The Andy Griffith show.
Again, I had consumed a demonstrable amount of fermented crush grape juice, so that must be factored in. Anyway, last night toward the end of the movie, the strangest commercial I had ever seen came on the TV. A recreation of said commercial is scripted below.
“Bug Light presents — Real Men of Little Genius
Today we salute you, Mr. Hot Dog Cart Street Vender Guy.
Narrator: “As you push your culinary cart of natural casing coronary-unfriendly corn dogs, you can’t help wonder where you went wrong in life. Counting ketchup packets and un-blanketed pigs was your childhood dream, but it’s now your egregiously surreal day-to-day reality. “
Background singer: “Your Oscar Mayor wish caaaaaame truuuue.”
Narrator: “You desperately flirt with the female frankfurter lovers in hopes of carrying on your name to no avail time and time again. But sleep well knowing full well, that you promised every one of them, that you would be sure use a condiment – Mr. Hot Dog Cart Street Vendor Guy.”
I still don’t know if it really happened, or if the Cabernet Sauvignon created it…
This… is… Fake Jeopardy!
Alex Treblock: “Okay folks, by unpopular demand, John Doe and his two dogs, Rex and Tex, are back for another round. The winner gets to occupy the bed at their home.”
John: “I’ll take “Pimp Calls” for $1,000 Alex.
Alex: That reads “Pop Corn” you idiot.
John: “OMG, I forgot my glasses.”
Alex “This product is conducive with nuts and a toy.”
John: “What is a BLEEP BLEEP?”
Alex “Oh… My… GOD! NO! It’s Cracker Jax.”
Tex: “I like to eat peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.”
Alex: “Wrong answer, that wasn’t even… jellyfish?”
Rex: “I once chased a parked car and knocked myself out cold.”
Alex: “That wasn’t in the form of a quest… really? How can you stand to be that stupid? SMH…”
Tex: “What is, I saw him do it Alex. That was the most unintelligent thing I had ever seen, LOL!”
Alex: “HOLD IT! People, oh, and dogs, let’s get a grip here!”
John: “What is, Alex is about to lose it.”
Rex and Tex: “LOL, RUFF RUFF RUFF LOL!”
Alex: “QUIET! I have had it with you morons! John, take your flea-bitten varmints out of here, NOW!”
John: “What is, Alex Treblock is one rude SOB!”
Announcer: “What is, we interrupt this program to inform you that this show is off the air for good. Alex is “going away” for some rest and relaxation.”
Rambo’s Advice Column
My dog told me he had a new job and that would cut down on the time he had to spend with me. He was going to start paying his own way he said. I was disappointed but at the same time, I applauded his entrepreneurial spirit!
I decided to stop by his “office” as see what this new job was all about! He told me he was now an advice columnist for the local newspaper along the lines of a “Dear Abby.” Hmm…I didn’t want to discourage him but concerned, I asked if he thought he was really qualified to be a counselor?
I am here to help all these people with what ails them. People waste all their money on fancy psychological people phony baloney books when I can help them find solutions to all their problems.
I asked if I could take a “sneak peek” at this week’s advice column to see what timely advice he had given. Here were a few of the gems I found in response to life’s most pressing problems…
–How to lose weight? Quit eating
–How do I stop my date from talking too much? Duct tape
–How do I stop leg cramps permanently? Chainsaw
I asked, “Don’t you think you are being a bit harsh?”
“No!” he exclaimed! “People are pansies. Time to get a backbone!”
Well, I guess it makes sense. What else would you expect from an advice column authored by a dog named “Rambo!”
My Dog Was on the Price is Right
My dog is a game show junkie. He won a ticket to “The Price is Right.” He said it was his dream come true! He always wanted to meet Bob Barker! I tried tell him Bob Barker no longer hosts the show but he screamed at me, “Nonsense! I am off to win my car…and meet Bob!”
I shrugged and decided to let him find out on his own. He wrote me a post card. Here’s how it all went down…
I am so excited! I am finally here and I am ready to win my car. I really needed it too since the repo man just made off with yours yesterday. Oops, sorry I forgot to mention that before I left! Anyway, I got there early with my ticket and I put my lipstick on nice and thick so I could give Bob a big smooch on the cheek!
I pushed past all the losers to get to the front of the crowd so I could meet my man! I was first in the door and stood anxiously for them to call my name. I was disappointed. Bob was late. I wasn’t crazy about the guy standing in for him until he showed up. He was kind of goofy looking with a big silly grin and glasses. I guess he was one of those studio interns or something.
They said his name was Drew Carson…no, Carey! Drew Carey it was. Well, lordy don’t you know they called my name first! I nearly had a heart attack! I jumped up so high and landed on the next row on top of some Green Bay Packers fan! I had to hurry so they didn’t call somebody else so I just kept on a going right over the tops of them and made my way to the stand.
He said, “Hello there, what’s your name?” Well, ain’t nobody got time for that!
I said, “Where’s Bob?”
He laughed and said “Bob” didn’t work there any more! I told him I would be sure and tell Bob he said that!
That fool just kept on laughing and I told him to get on with it cause I was ready to win my car!
You ain’t gonna believe it but they had some cheap dime store watch up for bids. I wouldn’t give one dollar for that and I told him so! Then he said I won! I said, “umm-hmmm” and made my way up on the stage. He just stood there looking at me like he was waiting for something… I told him he was getting no kiss from me because I was saving it for Bob! (Hmm…I am beginning to wonder about my dog?)
Well, you won’t believe what happened next! He told me to shut-up and then I hit him with my purse. They must have feared for my safety because some security guards came to my rescue. They told me to wait outside by the door. That was just fine with me because I would be there when Bob finally showed up. I took the extra time to touch up my lipstick…
Well, I’m still waiting. I’m sure Bob will be here any minute. Will write more later.
Oh boy…I am afraid he has a long wait coming!
Bob Barker and Vanna White
I called my dog Bob Barker from the Price is Right because he had to always “calm on down.” No, not come on down. Calm on down. Bob Barker was a Yorkshire terrier that would not shut up because he thought everyone was going to rob the house and his owner was way too high strung. Bob Barker’s owner was a woman by the name of Vanna White. She had the looks of Vanna White but the high strung energy of Jim Carrey on 10 Red Bulls. This didn’t help Barker’s demeanor. He fed off of that energy and acted just like his master. This annoyed Vanna and she didn’t know how to make Barker stop. It was a puzzle she couldn’t solve. It was like she kept turning the letters but couldn’t figure out the phrase. She was running out of vowels and patience very quickly.
The thing Vanna didn’t know was that Yorkshire terriers are known to be boisterous like little Tazmanian devils. Even with proper training, the best you can do is calm him down to a Level 3 Hurricane. Finally, I told Vanna that she needed to share the limelight with Barker. Barker had to be her Pat Sajak. If Vanna was always so hyper and she was talking all the time, Barker wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgewise. It was like a toddler repeatedly pulling on his mother’s skirt and the mother never responding until the toddler throws pudding on the skirt. Nowadays, everyone responds to pudding.
Eventually, Vanna would change her routine when she came home from work. She would get off the phone with her life coach and made sure she was calm before she entered the house. When she entered, she would allow Barker to talk and be with her while she pretended to pay attention and play Candy Crush on her phone. This trained Barker to be much quieter around the house. After being cooped up in the house all day watching TV, who wouldn’t want to verbally vomit at the first sight of another human being at the end of the day? That’s what Barker tried to do all along, and now he has the opportunity to do it. He barks and barks and barks while Vanna listens. But then after a few minutes of barking, he can finally “Calm on Down.”
My Dog Versus the GEICO Lizard!
Most springs bring an invasion of those little green slimy lizards, at least in my neck of the woods!
I usually beat them to death with a broom and sweep them out the door. I saw one creep in through the front door and started to grab the broom but I guess my dog was feeling cocky because he said, “Wait, I got this!!”
He grabbed the broom from me and was about to make our visitor into a lizard burger. Just as he was poised to do this particular lizard bodily harm, the lizard spoke up and said, “Wait, I don’t think you want to do that!”
My dog eyed him suspiciously. “Oh yeah? And why not pray tell??”
“I…I…am a…celebrity! Yeah, that’s what I am! I work for GEICO and I have come to collect your overdue insurance premium! So, give it up broom boy!”
He beamed my broom straight down on top of his pointy lizard head! The lizard gasped and said, “Wait…what are you doing?”
“You sir, are an imposter!! You don’t have an Australian accent! And…I put my check in the mail today, so hah! Take that!”
My dog beaned him again with the broom and he ran out the door crying! “You’ll be sorry! I really am famous I tell you!!
“Yeah, whatevah! Cry me a river lizard boy!!”
My dog is so brave! Hey, wait a minute, why does my dog have car insurance? Oh no, now why I keep getting all those unpaid parking ticket citations in the mail!