My Dog Has Taken Up Horseback Riding!

My dog told me he was trying to get in shape and found a new hobby to help him reach his goal Horseback riding of all things! I was proud that he was seriously considering his health and trying to get in shape. I asked him about his progress and here is what he said…
It is challenging but well worth the effort. Before going on my jaunt today, I even purchased the proper horse riding attire. I looked and felt quite amazing, even though I was rather unsure of my equestrian skills.
All of my hours of training had come down to this moment. We made eye contact and I stroked his mane reassuringly before I made my mount.
He seemed unsure about the rider atop his back but proceeded with gentle grace and then began a trot which turned into a full-fledged run. I was not sure I was ready for this but with the wind blowing through my fur and the power of this amazing animal beneath me, I felt at one with nature.
I hated to see it end but our treasured time together, becoming one as horse and rider, was drawing to a close…
As the time from my quarter ran out, I heard the cries from the impatient children, “Dude, get off already! It’s our turn now!!”

The Fortunate Squirrels

A few nights ago, I had Chinese cuisine delivered to my home and it was heavenly. This morning I ventured out to my porch and my arch enemy squirrel family had invaded once again. I have been chasing them off my porch for weeks but they keep coming back.

Today was different. Two of the squirrels had chewed through the trash bag and had fortune cookies in their mouth. Are they the only ones that enjoy those cardboard-like cookies or did they want to know their fortune?

Anyway, I looked up towards the sky, hands behind my back, all while whistling the melody to The Three Stooges. It was go-time. I lunged at the heathen squirrels and they quacked like ducks. Then they viciously attacked me with their bloodthirsty fangs.

Peppered with pinhole punctures, the fluffy tailed rats scurried off and over the railing I went. I landed directly in the cylinder of the very trashcan they had raided – swish, 2 points. I saw a fortune cookie so instead of calling 911, which never works out for me, I opened it.

It read: “Beware of rabid squirrels that invade trash barrels to steal fortune cookies whom, when caught, feverishly attack humans with infectious bites until he falls off the porch and into a green plastic trash barrel.” It was wicked tiny writing.

OMG not even close. Those fortunes are so vague it’s ridiculous. I have shiny metal trashcans, what a joke!

Iron Lion Zion

Verse 1
I’m under locks, from the day when they hit me with those rocks,
I thought I gripped his toe, but his shoe was big,
Now I have some Jordans and Nike hiding,

Chorus
If I find you on my lawn,
I’ll get my K-9 on,
Make you re-buy one, (repeat)

Verse 2
All age kids on the watch,
Then they sneaked in for fruits that had dropped,
I grabbed  a timberland boot, and ruined the thing,
So barefooted the kid walked home crying.

Verse 3
I got this reebok, dangling from my teeth and,
An Adidas Sport and about 10 other sneakers, see,
These kids just run, left their shoes with me me, oh yeah,
And I would give it back, but each time they reach here, I get some more…….

Duck Season

Chorus
Its the day for duck hunting now, for duck hunting,
A gunshow as the ducks go by, feathers dropping,
As guns sling, alot I’ll bring by, alot I’ll bring,
So much birds falling from the sky.

Verse 1
I’m hiding in this bush with my master,
He got an iron pipe that sounds like a monster,
He aims and shoots one of these natural helicopters,
When it hits the bird its like a K.O. from a boxer,
I rushed to the bird like I am a doctor,
When I reached the bird, it was a damn good actor,
Trying to play dead, but then I couldnt bother,
So I sunk my teeth in it and carried it away after.

Verse 2
The big dogs that are barking there in the out-field make me feel like a pup,
Two words not to confuse in this season are move and duck,
And everything that you will see are falling down,
And all I smell is only chicken, yeah,
The man with the least birds shot down is called the underdog,
I resent that name, worse when my team is who carried home almost all,
Everytime I carry in a duck its like I can’t swallow my dinner,
And the back of the van is loaded with ducks but giving me one is hard to consider……

Outro
Its the day for duck hunting now, for duck hunting,
A gunshow as the ducks go by, feathers dropping,
As guns sling, a lot we bring now, alot I’ll bring, a lot I’ll bring, alot I’ll bring yeah,
Fling north, or flying south, like its leaving a winter time somewhere else,…..

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