1 – I had a dream that I was floating in space and I ran into an astronaut. I said, “HELP! I CAN’T BREATHE!!!”

2 – I want to be a pessimist. Does that make me an optimistic pessimist, or pessimistic optimist? Life is so hard…

3 – I had a dream that my cat was cradling my dog upside-down in her arms like a baby and dropped the dog to the floor to see if he would land on all fours like a cat. He did not.

4 – If my nephew was a chimpanzee, well, I’d be a monkey’s uncle.

5 – My dog can speak incoherently in over 300 languages.

6 – I used to think the word “misconception” meant that the rabbit had lived…

7 – I just read a dog-training book that was written in Braille. I have no idea what it said, but the tickly bumps were exhilarating!

8 – A sergeant approached a U.S. Marine and screamed, “PRIVATE, I DID NOT SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE DRILL TODAY!” The Marine said, “Thank you, sir!”

9 – My dog sits around doing nothing all day. I convinced him to run for Congress.

10 – My dog is schizophrenic, they are really good dogs.

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