In The Dog House – Again
I was cleaning out my closet today with my faithful dog Shaggy at my side. He doesn’t help much, but we do everything together. I found my old high school swim team swimming trunks and that brought back some fond memories.
With summer just around the corner, I decided to put them on. I had to use a shoehorn and some “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” to get them on, but they were on good an tight. I asked my dog what he thought and my voice seemed an octave higher.
By the constrictive crushing feeling I was experiencing, I knew I was pushing the very laws of physics and elasticity to the fringe, but I wanted to show off to my wife. So, I ran out into the kitchen and I started dancing to Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ La Vida Loca” – and I was rocking it!
I was gettin’ jiggy with it when suddenly there was an explosion of threads floating through the air. There I stood with the very same suit on that I was born with. I never knew my In-Laws were such fast runners. Moreover, I really should be told when we have visitors.
Well, it looks like Shaggy and I will be spending some quality time together – in his house, again, SMH…
My Dog Wants to Move
My dog wants to move. He says the neighbors are noisy and have barking dogs. I then reminded him that he… (Clearing my throat) is himself a dog. I waited for the shock of this to sink in. He said that he is technically not a real “dog” and only pretends to get the bacon treats? Yeah…right!
Anyway, he went on and on about how the neighborhood was going to the “dogs” and while he would always treasure his memories of me as his former owner; he needed to get out now while the getting was good. He then said he had a few requirements for his new abode:
1. Must be bigger than a breadbox.
2. Must smell better inside than his former owner’s socks!
3. No tenants with barking dogs.
4. A good Wi-Fi connection to watch Grumpy Cat videos on YouTube?
5. A landlord with a flexible rental pay schedule and rent that comes due on either the 1st, 12th, 22nd or 31st of every other month, depending on how much money he has left after drinks, entertainment and Chinese takeout.
I laughed and told him I thought I knew the ideal landlord for him and wrote the phone number on a piece of paper–1-800-free-lodr!
My Dog and I Are Moving?
I walked in on my dog watching HGTV (Homes & Garden TV) and his eyes were glazed over. Oh boy! I knew this was going to be big trouble for me…
I said, “Hey, what are you up to now and why do I have the feeling I am going to regret even asking that question?”
He said, “ I’ve been watching “House Hunters” and I think it’s time for us to make a change. Get a fresh start! Take the bull by the horns!
I’ve been watching these young families find the homes of their dreams where they can begin their new lives together. I actually get a little choked up about it… (Then he blew his nose on my sleeve! Ewwwww!!!)
So, I have given it some consideration and I believe it’s time for us to find our dream home! Here are a few of the ‘must have’ features I’d like to find in a new home:
(1) Open concept – Yes, this makes sense, no bumping into all those walls if for some unknown reason, I might happen to lose my balance…
(2) Cold Tub – No, I didn’t say ‘hot tub’! I want an over-sized cold tub which will double as a beer cooler.
(3) Double vanities – No, it’s just me. The other sink is for my split personality…
(4) Popcorn Ceilings – While I find many young home buyers giving this option a thumbs down, I am really not at all opposed to the idea. Although, I must admit, I am not quite sure about the logistics of the butter? (Wouldn’t this drip down on top of my head and make greasy spots on the floor? Could be a safety hazard…)
Oh, just one more thing…Do you think they could give the same purchase options like the car dealers advertise? “Bad credit, no credit, no money? NO PROBLEM!”
If not, we may be in a lot of trouble here…”
A Jehovah’s Witness Visited Me
I was perched in my window with my dog, his name is Goofy, and we saw a Jehovah’s Witness approaching my door.
I opened it up and the guy said, “I saw you in the window, why did you take off all your clothes and put giant ears on your head?”
I replied, “Uhmm… I’m getting ready for work; I’m the physical trainer at the Mickey Mouse nudist colony”.
He said, “You sir, are goofy.”
I replied, “No, that’s my dog, I am Mickey.”
The man said, “Might I interest you in a path toward paradise, young man?”
“I already know it” I said. “It’s in my GPS, I just set it for the International House of Pancakes and OMG… sorry… they have everything there!”
I cranked on my stereo and he e responded with, “No, I meant… why are you twerking me while playing the kazoo? Unhand me fine sir!”
My dog said, “Come on dude, let’s get jiggy with it! Shizzle my Nizzle, it’s time to head to funky town! I let the dogs out, who, who who, who who!”
Well, we put the Elvis in our pelvis and shook our moneymakers, and my guest ran off.
“Hey… where are you going, man, come back! You’ve only just arrived, I have nothing to do!”
There goes my guest for the day, how depressing. These guys only come around once every six months or so, and then they disappear… kind of like the McRib…