Today I went to the Home Depot just to get a tape measure and some LED bulbs and I witnessed some craziness. Some guy had a breed of dog that mixed a Datsun with a Yorkie (a Yorkshire Terrier, if you want to be politically correct). It was so small and “different” looking that I had to ask, “where in the universe did you get that alien life form?” I actually asked in that way in my mind. It came out way more polite so don’t judge me. He told me that he breeds mini dogs so people can have hand held pets. Handheld pets? Like a handheld phone? If your dog doesn’t respond to your commands, are you not getting service? If he takes too long to reply to you, is the dog buffering? Will the dog still work if you drop him in the toilet? I was confused because Dr. Frankenstein over here seems to be mating dogs just so I can play Candy Crush. What the hell will I call a Yorkie that fooled around with a Datsun, which in turn, produced a hotdog with the face of a Hobbit. Really? Yorkshire? The face is supposed to be British and sophisticated. It doesn’t look like James Bond. It looks like he needs a bail bond. I would also hope that a British mutt would be more intelligent. I didn’t think something that small would need a leash, but this mixed up nut made everything its humping grounds. It jumped up on the checkout counter and started humping the scanner. He came out to be three dollars and forty-nine cents. Strange. I thought the owner would have gotten more for him.

After the scanner, the dog quickly moved on to going down the plumbing aisle. It became the hot water heater’s time to be a sexual victim. And wow. The sheer speed at which this dog thrusted created enough warmth for the heater to work without being installed. Somehow, the little wild beast hybrid got up to the toilets and sat on his throne as the Prince of Home Depot and marked his territory. After the dog did that, I was wondering how far the owner would go to continue calling the dog a handheld pet? He obviously never owned a smart phone or a smart dog for that matter.

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