My dog is putting on a few pounds. Yes, it happens to the best of us! Well, I didn’t quite know how to broach the subject with him so I subscribed to the new “weight loss” channel and left it on whenever he was in the room.
One day I saw him enthusiastically wagging his tail and he shot out the door! What the?? Well anyway, this happened again and again for a few days. Finally, one day, he came back totally dejected, ears drooping and doggie drool slowly edging down the corner of his downturn mouth. I asked, “Why so glum pal?” Here’s what he said…
I kept hearing radio advertisements about the subway diet. Some guy came on and touted how he had lost three pant sizes. Personally, I think he should write down his pant sizes on his hand, so he doesn’t lose them next time he goes shopping…
Anyway, so, I thought I’d give it a try but after a few days, here’s what I found:
1). Catching a subway is easier said than done.
2). It tends to leave a metallic taste in my mouth.
3). The people on board thought I was really, really weird.
So, I guess maybe this wasn’t such a good idea? I never seem to think these things through…
A Childhood Memory: Strawberry Rhubarb Pie
I was approximately eight years old in this yarn.
I remember scraping up 25 cents (from my mother’s pocketbook) so that I could ride my skateboard six miles to the Table Talk Pie outlet. Back then, a single-serving pie was just that – 25 cents.
This would be my first venture to the Xanadu of pie stores on my own. Well, not exactly alone, I took my dog Cecil with me. It was hot that day, but I was determined to complete my mission nonetheless. The sky seemed brighter this day and the birds chirped harmoniously.
Yes, at the time I thought this was my first stride into the beginning of manhood. As I approached the store, it was alike the sun had just peaked over a mountaintop and the warm rays of magnificence shone on only me.
I walked out of the store with and ear-to-ear grin as I cradled my prized pie. I opened the box and heard angelic music reign through my ears. Strawberry rhubarb, which was my favorite, was my selection on this historic day.
I broke off a little piece of crust for Cecil and then I took my first bite. I immediately thought of Frank Sinatra, “I did it, myyyyyy waaaaaaaaaayyy.”
At that precise moment, an 18-wheeler ran over a squirrel directly in front of my young impressionable eyes. The fuzzy-tailed rat imploded seemingly inside out and its blood and guts covered the street just 15 feet away from me.
It looked like seafood diablo, but this dish would not tantalize anyone’s appetite. I spit out the pie and proceeded to hurl ignominiously until the bile singed my esophagus. Then, I balled my eyes out on the six-mile ride home, which suddenly felt like 100 miles.
At the time, that was the worst day of my life. Permanently burned into my brain was this image and I have not had strawberry rhubarb pie since. NSN! (Not So Nifty – I just invented that acronym, that’s how I roll, yo.)
Chef Gordon Ramsay at Home with the Wife
Wife: GORDON WHERE THE BLOODY ‘ELL ARE YOU! GET YOUR POMPOUS @$$ OUT HERE, BLIMEY!
Gordon: I’m dreadfully sorry plumb pudding, what can I get for you ma dearest lil angel-face?
Wife: THIS CHICKEN IS RAAAW! YOU ARE GONNA TO BLOODY KILL SOMEONE YOU DONKEY! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE!
Gordon: Goodness gracious my apple dumpling, I apologize dear, I’ll fix it right away madam.
Wife: HURRY UP YA YANKEE DANKEE DOODLE, I HAVEN’T GOT ALL BLOOMIN’ DAY, MISSY!
Gordon: Yes sweetness, I must feed the dog first, he may grow faint.
Wife: TO BLOODY ‘ELL WITH THAT FLEA BITTEN VARMINT, I NEED FOOD, NOW!
Gordon: (In the kitchen mumbling to his dog) Good gosh, she is so mean to me, sniffle sniffle, I can’t take it anymore, sniffle, someday I’m gonna push that old bat off a cliff!
Wife: HURRY UP! GET YOUR LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING @$$ MOVING FOR CRIPES SAKE!
Gordon: Yes my sweet pea, coming right up love (bloody wench…)
Wife: WHAT WAS THAT YOU BLOODY VAGABOND?
Gordon: Nothing my puffy little kitten, I’ll be there in a jiffy, lovey…
My Dog Meets the Food Police at Wal-Mart
I offered my dog his usual T-bone steak snack and he put his paw up, “No, please, I can’t…”
“What’s wrong, not cooked to your liking?” I asked.
“No, No, it’s not that. I just got back from grocery shopping at Wal-Mart again! Whew!! Was that a close call…
I passed by one of those food sampling booths and was overwhelmed by the tantalizing aroma of the mini sausage on a stick. There was a sign up that said, “Back in five minutes, help yourself to a sample!”
Well, I didn’t want to break any rules by not following orders so I did as requested and took a sample. OMG! That was divine! I assumed it was one per visit, so I continued on but doubled back around to make another visit and another, and another, and, oh you get the idea! If I only took one sample per each visit by then I was still being a ‘law-abiding’ grocery customer.
About the tenth trip around by the food sampling booth, the food booth lady was back and she was scowling at me. She said, “I was on the next aisle over taking my break and I saw you every time you came by Miss Piggy!”
I responded with the only plausible reply, “That’s MR. Piggy to you, sistah!”
She eyed me suspiciously, “Is that sausage grease in your fur??”
“I plead the fifth!!”
“Save it Mugsy. You are not on trial!”
“The defense rests its case!” With that I quickly made my way to the checkout and left the food sample police standing there before she was able to continue with this line of questioning!
I think perhaps I’ve watched one too many episodes of law and order…Hey, I might have room for one of those T-bone’s now. Can you make it medium, medium rare and easy on the steak sauce. I’m watching my weight!”
(PARODY FOR “INFORMERS” BY SNOW)
His jaw works, don’t bother with the messing around or you’ll be damned,
It’s not just ruff ruff, yeah,
He doesn’t wanna eat dog biscuits nor no Scooby snacks,
Make sure that it’s meat, or that’s a wrong bong, yeah,………..
From I was a pup, so I’m eating as before,
My breakfast is always served on the floor,
That’s the same place where I see all your toes,
Don’t make me stay hungry, what’s my dinner? Who knows,
You want to lose pounds, let me keep my weight on,
Don’t give me things on a bread, that’s a space jam,
Pack me like a mailbox when I take spam,
So burglars won’t see that I’m a weak gateman…….
What are you doing mixing my food with rice,
That is too light, I will not be a kite,
I’m just on the line, and I’m afraid of heights,
You’re making me black-out like Dark Vader Knights,
Food can be approved when it goes in my belly,
But before it gets there, I have to smell it,
I see that turkey dinner, you want me to help eat?
I’ll eat so much of it you can see me belch meat!……..
I’m in the kitchen searching for food I like,
Wanna try bacon, but the refrigerator’s closed,
I woke up in the night trying to steal a bite,
The kitchen looks empty, but my nose is working right,
I dare not make a sound or else they’ll ban me from inside here for life,
But wait, it has happened more than twice,
Over here I smell dessert, what they call it, cream with ice?
In the same spot I smell turkey, steak, chicken and bacon slice,
Over the next side I smell the tin things that they keep in the cupboard,
The last time one fell on me I suffered,
I said I’m going to eat you though you’re a little cold,
I imagined how that beef would sit within my mouth,
The pork smelling well seasoned, Thanksgiving is when turkey comes out,
I tried the fridge door, what’s this about?
Tears almost rolled down my face, they closed her,
I taste the aroma and now I won’t wait for later,
If I had a gun then I would threaten her,
Open door, or I will make your days warmer,
At the socket, I thought she said, “I’ll obey sir!”,
But the happy ice sticker shows a joke maker,
I got so mad I tried unplugging her, but the chord was not for the refrigerator,
I ran into the door as my best bet for a way in,
I heard everything in the fridge and that lock outside shaking,
I was so frustrated and then that sound in my belly-Ah, not playing my favorite song,
Then I remember my grandpa, on the night he passed away,
Waiting at the fridge door like me,
I ain’t eat since night, I need the saviour,
I’m trying and now I feel just like a failure,
Hey fridge, please can you do a favor?
You got me feeling like an alligator,
“Cause now it only seems like you say later,
I’ve kept your company, but you’re a traitor,
My stomach to my back is thin like paper,
I just want to help you lose some weight, sir.