Meals With FUNNY Wheels

I wired up a hotplate in my truck so that I could cook my lunch while driving. My dog comes with me everywhere, but he has to sit in the back for safety reasons. Plus, who wants a dog in their kitchen/truck?
Today I decided to make Sloppy Joes. As soon as my rolls come out of my truck-oven, it was lunchtime! The Sloppy Joes was ready and right when I was plating the dish, I hit a speed bump. The Sloppy Joes – living up to its name – made quite a sloppy mess.

My delicious meal was splattered all over my windshield, and me, and pickles was on my dash board. Pickles is my dogs name. I could not see a thing. I was just about to apply my brakes when I heard A/C D/C’s ‘Highway to Hell’ come on the radio – and that was egregiously appropriate.

Well, I somehow drove off the overpass and landed in a treetop. I rolled down my window and I was attacked by a flock of angry birds – real angry birds. They were pecking me from head to toe, but suddenly they stopped. They were licking their chops, or beaks, because they tasted the Joe’s on me. Those little peckers love my cooking.
Who would have thought that birds like Sloppy Joe? I turned around and saw that my dog was licking himself. But, he always does that. Soon the birds finished their dining experience and flew off to the next tree. Wouldn’t you know it; there was another truck up in that tree too.
What is going on here I thought. How can this be? I am so confused that… “BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP – Damn alarm clock!” I was just getting to the good part!
Well, it was all a dream. I really must stop eating XXX hot burrito’s before bedtime…
*Disclaimer: No people, dogs, birds, beaks, trees, Sloppy Joe cooks, Rock & Roll bands, or Sloppy Joes were harmed in this tale.

The Husky Express

I Think My GPS Has PMS

Me and my dog hopped in my car today and I turned on my vehicle lady friend – my GPS. Every day I let her steer me in the right direction even though I always think I know a better way.

Today, however, was very different. When her screen turned on I started punching in my destination coordinates and I must have really pushed her buttons. She said, “What in the wide wide world of sports is a goin’ on here?”

I looked at my dog in disbelief, he agreed. I ignored that remark and pressed “enter.”

Before I could leave the driveway she said, “Make a U-turn now, buddy boy.”

I said, “Come on, I have to go to the new job site.”

I started driving anyway and I heard, “Please drive straight to hell.”

At that point, my dog hid himself in the back seat. I said, “That’s it woman, do your job!”

“Please pull over and get the %@&# out” was her response.

I pulled over and grabbed the little wench. I had a hold of the wire and swung her around in the air like a cowboy’s lasso. All I could hear was, “recalculating… recalculating… recalculating…”

Then I let her fly. I jumped in the car and soon realized that my GPS had PMS and that crazy beotch will find me and hunt me down!

I went to retrieve her but when I found her she was lights out. I quickly gave her mouth-to-GPS resuscitation, in which I am fully licensed and trained, and I must have turned her on.

She said, “Well big boy, it would seem that I owe you my life… BUT I wouldn’t have almost died if it wasn’t for your narcissistic totalitarian dictator tendencies you no good selfish BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!”

BOZO The Clown Rides The Dryer

Life has blessed me with five wonderful children. This fact prompted me to purchase the heavy-duty full-size dryer and washing machine. Well, today I was looking in the dryer and I could not help but wonder what it would be like to actually be inside it.
Temptation bested me and I poked my head in for a look-see. I squeezed myself in there and managed to get my body wedged in tightly. I did manage to score me a couple of loose quarters though, so I had that going for me.

My curiosity was done at this point but I was stuck and I could not get out. I reached my hand around for leverage and silly me; I got my finger stuck in the door-switch button hole. The machine went berserk! It was flopping around, with me still inside mind you, like a Ferris wheel had been rolled by the Jolly Green Giant!

The echoing banging sounds, and my emasculating screams for help, rung through the house as my body parts were flung all over the place. Then I realized something; I hadn’t tossed in a scented Bounce dryer towel? I won’t be as fresh and fluffy as I would had… now that is just silly, let’s get back to reality. Well, finally, the plug pulled out of the wall and my excursion had ended.

My dog chomped on the seat of my pant (while trying not to snicker at me) and dragged me out. Fighting back the laughter, he cussed me out per usual, “THIS IS THE 3rd TIME THIS WEEK YOU BOZO!!” Then my dog made an obscene gesture toward me, that is annoying…

Yup, all that fun and 50 cents to boot, yee haw!

A Ride For My Human In the Washing Machine

Life has blessed me with five wonderful children. This fact prompted me to purchase the heavy-duty full-size dryer and washing machine. Well, today I was looking in the dryer and I could not help but wonder what it would be like to actually be inside it.

Temptation bested me and I poked my head in for a look-see. I squeezed myself in there and managed to get my body wedged in tightly. I did manage to score me a couple of loose quarters though, so I had that going for me.

My curiosity was done at this point but I was stuck and I could not get out. I reached my hand around for leverage and silly me; I got my finger stuck in the door-switch button hole. The machine went berserk! It was flopping around, with me still inside mind you, like a Ferris wheel had been rolled by the Jolly Green Giant!

The echoing banging sounds, and my emasculating screams for help, rung through the house as my body parts were flung all over the place. Then I realized something; I hadn’t tossed in a scented Bounce dryer towel? I won’t be as fresh and fluffy as I would had… now that is just silly, let’s get back to reality.

Well, finally, the plug pulled out of the wall and my excursion had ended. My dog chomped on the seat of my pant (while trying not to snicker at me) and dragged me out. Fighting back the laughter, he cussed me out per usual, “THIS IS THE 3rd TIME THIS WEEK YOU IDIOT!!” Then my dog made an obscene gesture toward me, that is annoying…

Yup, all that fun and 50 cents to boot, yee haw!

My Dog Can Drive

I was a little tipsy last night and had a craving desire for some Taco Bell. I did not want to drink and drive, so I did the right thing; I asked my dog to drive. On the way there, I kept jerking the wheel to test his driving skills.

This was not appreciated. After cranking the radio up and down several times, I decided to sit in the back seat with the neighborhood kids. I figured I would be safer back there, just in case he screws up.

We were playing tag but soon it got out of hand. I even spilled my beer on the kid.

My dog yelled, “Stop horse playing in the car or I swear I’m pulling over! You know what that means, just try me!”

Then I repeatedly yelled, “ARE WE THERE YET? AHAHAA! How do YOU like it, punk!”

I yelled it once again and all I saw was a furry arm violently swinging back to make contact on any part of me he could find.

I responded vociferously with, “THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROU… OMG, he hit the brakes, run for it!”

Dog – “Look at my idiot owner run away like a scardy cat. Guys, I stopped because it was a red light, what a moron he is! Now, let’s hit up Dairy Queen for ice cream, I lifted his wallet before we left!”

*Disclaimer: There were no dogs driving or in any danger. No children were exposed to alcohol, and no humans were abused by the dog. You cannot be too careful with political correctness nowadays. And of course in all seriousness NEVER DRINK & DRIVE!

Peed on your Vehicle

(PARODY TO ZIGGY MARLEY’S “TOMORROW PEOPLE’)
CHORUS
I pee’d on your vehicle, I didn’t hear your gas,
I pee’d on your vehicle, I was made not to ask, so I did it,
I pee’d on your vehicle, Some people passed, but oh well,
I pee’d on your vehicle, and I sprayed with a splash, (aawww)

VERSE 1
I urinate in the yard,
But you have problems with me watering the garden, and with me painting the wall,
I see how you like washing your car, and since I can’t use the toilet like most of you,
I’m going to…..(Pee on your vehicle…..)

VERSE 2
My bladder is filled and everywhere I look is business places,
I’ve looked far and wide, now I see this parking lot,
Nice wheels……(Pee’d on your vehicle……..)

VERSE 3
Dog training sucks,
Your commands just make me keep up liquid near ma ball,
You teach me abstinence and making all dogs be on their guard,
But there’s this thing you didn’t teach us not to do, so I will…..(Pee on your vehicle…….)

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