My Dog Wants to Go to Mars!

I went and found my dog to spend a little quality one-on-one quality time, just owner to dog. I had my dog’s favorite ball. I said, “Come on boy, let’s go play fetch!”

He, however, had no interest in spending time with me. In fact, he was doing the moon walk? What the…I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was going to be the first dog on Mars and was in training. He had no time for such trivial things as playing ball!
Well, how do you like that? He said he had sent his application in to NASA to be part of the colony sent to Mars. He was also drinking “tang” and has changed his name to Astro?

“But” I interjected, “won’t you even miss me?”

“Don’t worry! I sent your application in too. So, you need to start training to be a “space man” and pack your bags! Oh, and make sure you pack all my favorite chew toys, bones and video-taped episodes of “Wonder Dog!”

Wow, I never knew my dog was so ambitious! I guess I best go pack my bags. It is one small step for dogs and one giant leap for…Oh whatever! I think I just stepped in it!

Niagara Falls is Wicked Wet!

I went to Niagara Falls with my dog Rolfe over the weekend just to see what the big deal was. It seems that you need to make reservations or something because I couldn’t even get close.

So, we went to the sporting goods store and got an inflatable raft – I had a plan. I figured I could just float past everyone.

Well, we hopped in the water and I said to Rolfe, “I am the modern day Christopher Columbus!”

We started going faster and faster and some guys were trying to lasso us with rope. I couldn’t see clearly who they were, but they all seemed to have the same uniform on.

Soon it appeared that this river had an end. “Columbus was wrong! The world is flat and I’m about to go off the edge” I shouted. I remember falling and falling and then, there was a huge splash! And I was drowning!

I snapped out of it and tried to get up, but my dog was licking the s**t out of my face. I finally stood up and hopped out of my tub. I guess I had fallen asleep for a bit there…

At The Beach

They thought I’m rescuing on the beach,
But this rasta dog is not going to save no one today,
I’m chilling with no leash and a pina colada in my paw,
Why people think that they’re mermaids?

I see you cross the line ’cause you said you could swim,
And then now, wow your dying quick as doggie could quint,
Now you want help to drag you back onto shore,
But doggie hates saltwater and wet birthday clothes,
Wait til the fat lady sings, people just aren’t listening,
Whenever I’m rescuing, they think its time for wrestling,
The deep blue is for drowning im,
If you’re not a trout within, save you? You’re kidding.

Verse 2
I’m here to eat fish, not be eaten by one,
I know how to get rid of my ticks with methods on dry-land,
Have you ever felt drowning? Be my guest, try mon,
I’m not going to the underworld, I am not a lycan,
Have you ever seen a great white jump out at you for something to eat?
No? Well, keep it that way,
I used to think I was the baddest thing alive until I watched discovery channel and saw a whale……


All Aboard

There was a light rail train that stopped about 100 yards from my house. It was such a convenience for commuting to work, dropping my kids off at day care and getting home from the local pub after getting fired from another job. One day, my mother (who still lives with me in the house that I grew up in) got on the train to go shopping at the Saks Fifth Avenue outlet downtown. As she settled in her seat, she noticed that there were two dogs sitting alongside the driver – our dog Rex, whom we named after a T-Rex because his paws were so short; and his playmate – a little cute mongrel called Mickey named after Mickey Mouse – not because he smiled a lot like Mickey Mouse (because he didn’t) but because he had big ears. Sitting next to the driver, they looked like two disgruntled commuters in a hurry to get to work.

My mother asked the conductor “What are those dogs doing up there with the tram driver? Those are handicapped seats”
“Are they your dogs, madam?” the conductor asked.

“Well,” said mom, “one of them is. And he is certainly not handicapped.”

“Then madam,” replied the conductor, “you owe the Bergen Light Rail a few thousand dollars!” “Why?” asked my mother. The conductor replied: “Those two dogs get on a tram at this time every day and go to the recreation ground alongside the river. They use our tram like it’s their personal doggie train service. They have a good old run around the park, chase after the ice cream truck, scare a few toddlers, make their mark on a couple maple trees, and then catch another tram home!”

My Mother could hardly believe it, but the tram began to move, and after three stops the two dogs alighted, crossed a fairly busy main road and disappeared into the local recreation ground and, presumably caught a later tram back home.

I was a proud dog owner after hearing that story. Every time I took the tram, I didn’t mind paying the fare anymore because I knew I’d be getting two for one specials.

Rock My Boat

They call this thing on the wall a mirror,
When did that other dog get in here, who you staring at?
I’ve never seen you around these parts before, stopping the talking back,
Why don’t you say things that are different, before I make you crack?

Verse 1
I chewed my skin and he does the same thing, hey,
I tried to outsmart him, howling, barking,
Then quickly I’m jumping, scratching,
I tried tail-chasing, but both of us were spinning,
Don’t know who he is, but this tells me one thing,
Dogs can do what another dog can,
My patience ran out so I decide to make him buzz off, that rottweiler sucked,
So I lifted my hind leg and aimed at the glass and showed that I am a new fire truck.

Verse 2
When I lifted my feet, he does the same at the same speed,
Hey, there’s a flea, flea, flea, flea, flea, flea, flea, flea,(dog scratching and biting sound)
Dog fur floating in the air everywhere,
See it in the mirror and I see it falling over here,
I’m getting annoyed, but before I give up and pass,
My final question is rhetorical, you smell gas?
Take that, sniff that, eat that, I hope forever you’re with that,
Until it becomes your breath and vets can’t help you nor tic tacs,
I think you will disappear if I get it smashed……..

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