My Dog Writes Greeting Cards!

My dog thought he would help out around the house with money since I’ve recently fallen on hard financial times. It was a generous gesture and I was quite touched.

He emerged from his office one day with a look of consternation written across his face. I wiped it off with a wet cloth, and then I gave him a pat and a rub and asked how the new venture was coming along.

Well, here is what he said, “My greeting card company went bankrupt. I thought I had my finger on the pulse of the things Americans wanted to say to each other. Hmm… apparently not!! These were some of my ‘biggest losers’!”

Birthday Greeting:
For an old broad, you still look pretty good…

New Baby Greeting:
Congrats on the new bundle of joy. Welcome to Insanity!!

Friendship Greeting:
Remember when we first met? That’s okay, neither do I…

Across The Miles:
Good friends are few and far between. Oh, by the way, I auctioned off the items you left in your garage for the Mexican cruise. I’ll send you a post card…

Okay, so I guess we still need to work on his “people” skills a bit. I still give him an “A” for effort! I found a wanted ad I’m going to show him for an explosives tester, so hopefully, that one will go over with a big “bang!” Oops, I guess that was a bad choice of words…

My Dog’s Secret “To Do” List!

My dog is my trusted friend. I trust him unconditionally! That is until today…
I gave my dog Max a belly rub this morning and he barked appreciatively, jumped up in my lap and proceeded to lick my face. “Easy boy!” I laughed and settled him down. I went to replenish his food bowl with his favorite treats and what I found next to his doggie bed, barely sticking out from underneath still has me reeling with shock and total disbelief! It was his “secret” to do list…

• Break into the stash of secret doggie treats
• Hide the remote control
• Eat all the peanut butter and leave the empty jar next to the napping cat
• Chew up, scratch or otherwise destroy furniture
• Sleep all day and stay up all night howling at the moon
• Bury one of each shoe pair out in the yard next to my favorite bones…
• Drink out of the toilet
• Start a cat revolt
• If and when I get caught in any of the above activities, give big sad puppy eyes and feign innocence
So, that’s his game! I had no idea he was so street smart…I am verklempt! Dog gone it! Hey, dog gone… now there’s an idea!!

A Dog’s Apology

I once was idiosyncratic to that of a wayward vagabond. I am now a sophisticated Yorkshire terrier. However, I was not always the adroit gentleman-dog that I am today. On my way up the socially well-to-do dog ladder, I may have – to no small degree – egregiously offended some on the way up. I feel I must apologize, therefore I have committed it to literary form below.

1 – To Mr. Mailman: Sorry about using your pant leg as my personal chew toy and terrorizing you on a daily basis.

2 – To the little boy I grew up with: I must apologize for tearing to shreds the 79 stuffed SpongeBob pillows of yours. I indeed thought that you continued to purchase them for me.

3 – To the German Shepherd next door: Sorry for hating you so deeply, I am over it now, and I suffer no bitter feelings. When I think of you, however, it gnaws at my intestines until they fill with nausea and thoughts of vomiting encompasses my entire being but I restrain the urge until the bile in my esophagus rises up and singes my tonsils to near asphyxiation. But, I am not bitter…

4 – To my owner: I apologize for pretending that your leg was a female dog altogether too often. Revenge was yours, however, when you had the vet remove my personalities – touché good sir.

5 – Finally, to the cat that invaded my home: You sir, are a fructiferous vile little creature and I apologize for nothing. The shaving of your tail while you slept was just and deserved. Desecrating your food bowl was something you earned, sir. The stealthily crafted daily attacks were no one’s fault but your own. I wish your demise to be that of the most disgusting manner possible – good day.

My Dog, The Fortune Cookie Writer!

I have discovered my dog’s secret occupation. I found him in my basement typing away and laughing maniacally!
My dog…he has a new take on what he thinks people should get in their fortune cookies after their binging and gluttony of the Chinese cuisine. His “fortune cookie” messages are not the friendly, cheerful, feel-good albeit somewhat corny messages you’ve grown so accustomed to receiving as you blissfully eat your Chinese food. Oh no!!

Maniacally laughing, my dog was penning these little gems of doom and gloom:

–You will die in your sleep tonight…

–You were adopted…

–You will die old, alone and broke…

–The zombie apocalypse will happen tomorrow…You will be eaten!
He finished typing and enthusiastically turned his fortune cookie sayings into the Chinese restaurant fortune cookie maker people where they were in turn distributed to Chinese restaurants throughout the country. The next week, it was PANDAMONIUM! People ran screaming and panicked from Chinese restaurants all throughout the good old USA!

Brian Williams announced it on the nightly news. It seems he was on the scene and got run over by the mob. Then, after being trampled and dying, he came back to life and singlehandedly took out each member of the angry mob, one by one and received the Congressional Medal of Honor for his actions and a purple heart!
Wow, and I thought my dog told tall tales! Maybe he should become a newscaster as his NEXT job!

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