O’PuppyCare: The Affordable Pet Health Care Act With (subliminal commentary) from my dog

I have worked very hard (BWAAAAHAHA) all my life (die, joke boy!) and I have achieved much reward (zero) for it. I am an honest (habitual liar) man (debatable) and I try (sleep) to do things right (never).
Even my dog adores (loathes) me for the dignified (self-serving) deeds I do each day. Oh, how he hangs on (ignores) my every word. When I take him for a walk, he proudly (shamefully) strides (hides) by my side.
So, I’ve come up with a plan (scheme) that should hoist everyone (no one) into self-reliance (thievery). I have built a website (you didn’t build that) that doesn’t quite work yet, but please sign up. Every penny will be (stolen) put to a good cause (party time).
This is not a Ponzi scheme (oh, yes it is) and even my mother endorses (disowned) me. My own family heralds (hires hit men) my tenacious (evil) appeal (disgust) and encompasses (infects) their very soul.
So remember (just forget it), if you like your pet health care plan, you can keep it (SMH), period. If you like your veterinarian, you can keep your veterinarian, period.
Oh, Bin Laden is dead, and All Kittens are on the run.

At The Vet

Verse 1
Every dog has a pride compromised when the vet looks at him,
Don’t you ever lift my tail, I don’t like that, I might block your nostrils,
Making checks on you eyes and your mouth, and doing more than how fleas would bug you,
It gets worse, when they stick you with shots, an avalanche happens the way I yoddle.

Even when flea bites your hide with all its might and continues all night,
Its nothing that’s quite as punishing like who’s dressed in all white, I fret for my life…
He checked my mouth and said I have tooth decay,
He checked my ears and said I am almost deaf,
He checked my eyes and said I have little sight left,
He checked my life and said I…..thought he said one more day.

Verse 2
One more day for my checks at, at the usual venue,
I’m starting to feel there’s a feline under there being the devil,
Saying that my blood pressure is sky-high, but it’s only cause I see you as terrible,
It’s funny how one check up done here leads to the number being doubled.

OMG! My Nurse Practitioner is a Goddess!

Oftentimes I come home and share my day’s experience with my dear old dog – his name is guacamole. I named him that because when I got him, I had guacamole stuck in my teeth and the person I got him from rudely pointed it out.

Anyway, I told my little buddy that I was assigned yet another new nurse practitioner (I seem to go through many of them) and I had an appointment this day. I was placed in the little waiting room where I always get bored. I popped on YouTube on my cell phone and started playing some videos to pass the time. “I’m bad” by Michael Jackson was on so I put on those white rubber doctor gloves for effect.

I then told Guacamole that I was singing loudly into a giant one-ended Q-Tip that I found and I started doing the moonwalk. I was getting my funk on and I was twerking up a storm when suddenly I crashed into the giant weighing scale and I was hanging on to it for dear life!
Just then the N.P. walked in and yelled, “Turn down that musi… OH… MY… GOD! Put your clothes back on! There will be NO ‘coughing’ today for you mister! And take those rubber gloves off, all three of them!”

She was amazing; I heard angels singing a high note and a gleaming bright light surrounded her. She was perfect, beautifully perfect. I had all sorts of jokes lined up but I couldn’t speak. I could barely answer her grueling questions, like “Name please” or “your age sir?”
This just isn’t going to work. If I can’t concentrate on my material and deliver my jokes, I’ll have to find another N.P. However, I don’t think I have the will to do it? Such tragedy in my life, woe is me…

Oh, my dog called me a big fat furciferous inane nincompoop and an amazing @$$hole. Then he went to sleep with the cats…

Natural Cold Remedies

I felt so bad for my dog. He had come down with a nasty cold! I recommended vitamin C and loaned him some cough syrup. He patted me on the back with his paw and said he appreciated my concern but he preferred the use of natural remedies…
Well, how do you like them apples? That’s nice. I got myself a responsible dog! I told him that was a fine thing that he was relying on “nature” to help cure him of his cold and told him to text me if he needed anything. Then, I made my way out the door to work. Little did I know what his natural remedy for a cold was!!
My dog’s natural remedy—turns out—was something many refer to as a ‘ hot toddy’. Now, I don’t know about where you live but down here in the south, you make a hot toddy with 2 ounces of Southern Comfort, water, a teaspoon of honey and a lemon wedge.
When I got home—I found an empty bottle of Southern Comfort and saw something else quite disturbing… “Old Time Rock and Roll” was blaring out of the sound system. Wearing nothing but my socks and a hairbrush microphone, he slid down the banister, flying out the door with rocket-like speed and then he crashed through the neighbor’s front window next door!
I looked out to see what I could see and I saw my very intoxicated dog kiss my neighbor’s wife on the mouth and stutter out, “Elvis (Hiccup) El…Elvis has now left the building…” And then he passed out cold!
Geez…I guess I should go check the real estate listings again. And I was just starting to really like this place too!

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