Naughtily Spirited

I was bored and naughtily spirited today so I decided to embrace roguery.
This is a live reenactment of my adventure.

I stealthily hid in the bushes, Rambo style, with a sandwich and coffee in hand – oh yes, I was in this for the long run. Soon enough he approached my home, innocently he swaggered up the walkway distracted by the contents of his hand.

There he is… easy… wait for it…NOW! I jumped out with a savaged growl and bit the mailman on his leg! I’m latched on and shaking my head back-and-forth with a primal growl with pant leg clenched firmly in my locked jaw. He’s screaming for dear mercy but this dog’s bite is much bigger than his bark!…

Well, after the burning subsided, and my eyesight returned, I wished I had remembered about the mace, yes the mailman always has mace.

Take a joke dude! Now I have to pick up my packages at the main warehouse, and I spilled my coffee, and I may or may not have been neutered – and spayed!

“That rule was set in place for real dogs attacking mailmen, not humans pretending to be dogs attacking mailmen that get sprayed with mace and spill their coffee” I pleaded.

Alas, it is a dog’s life after all…

P.S. OMG I think I have flea’s!

Top 10 Questions You Should Ask to Make Sure Your Dog is Not a Serial Killer

#1 Does your mother own the Bates Motel?
#2 Do you mind if I scrape the inside of your jaw for DNA before I give you kisses?
#3 How much duct tape do you own?
#4 How many times have you seen the Friday the 13th movies?
#5 Is your name Freddy, Jason or Herman? (I am not sure why I included Herman but it just seems like a creepy name! Oh wait, yeah, there was Herman Munster, of course!!)
#6 How many hacksaws, chainsaws, ropes, white sheets, etc. do you own?
#7 Can I look in your trunk? (automobile trunk, okay people?)
#8 Have any skulls, molars, amputated fingers, newspaper murder story clippings or other strange collectables?
#9 When you walk outside your house, does creepy music start playing in the background and mysterious shadowy figures start to appear?
#10 Do you stomp on and/or otherwise mutilate your cheerios, fruit loops, cocoa pebbles and other cereals before eating? If the answer to this is yes, you should run far, far away and FAST!! because your dog, my friend…is a SERIAL CEREAL killer!!

Smoking is Dangerous

I like to share my innermost thoughts and memories with my dear old dog. His name is Fred and he always listens without complaint. The following is one of my fond childhood memories that I shared.

Smoking is dangerous

I remember as a child my dad loved smoked cured meats. He built his own smoker and it was huge. I had watched him use it and he always wore a prideful smile during the process. He said that someday I would be taking over the smoking duties.

Well, he was away one day and at age 5, I thought I was ready. I loaded it up with wood, but I couldn’t get it lit. I tried for an hour and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I decided to douse the wood with the gasoline we had for the lawnmower.

I struck the match, tossed it in, and the explosion tossed me back about 10 yards – good for a first down. I got up and when the smoke cleared, there was no smoker. It was gone without a trace. I didn’t understand, I only used three gallons of gas?

So, I decided that I would do the right thing and put the book of matches in my sister’s room along with a couple of drops of gas for the smell effect.

Well, it just goes to show you folks; smoking is wicked dangerous!

Oh, dad knew it was me. I remember him saying, “No one else is stupid enough to do this – except you.”

I Am Going Straight to Hell

When I come home from work, my faithful dog is always at the door to greet me. Once I am settled in, I tell him all about my day. Below is another example of my story-telling to my BFF dog.

I met a guy today who was in a terrible can opening accident and he has no arms or legs as a result. I felt uneasy so I tried to break the ice with a little political discourse.

To spark conversation, I said, “Have you heard about the five Taliban terrorists that we traded for one treasonous soldier? Where do you stand on this?”

He said, “I don’t stand anywhere you ******* moron, I’m legless!”

“Oh, yes, I hadn’t noticed. Boy, that chair must have cost an arm and a leg,” I said.

He replied, “You ******* SOB! Are you making fun of me? Or are you just a moron?”

I said, “Oh, believe me, I am just a moron, ask anyone that knows me. Let’s try this again. What about the VA scandal, this story really has legs.”

Guy said, “OMG! I’m going to kill you!”

Me, “Sorry pal, I wasn’t thinking again. So, GM has a scandalous recall story going. Why don’t we kick the tires on this topic.”

Well, I must admit, this is the first time I’ve ever ticked off a legless/armless guy to the point where he tried to jump up to kick my @$$ but forgot that he couldn’t stand. He fell flat to the floor and I had to call 911. This is also the first guy I’ve ever met that could actually say, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” – and really mean it. I’m going straight to hell, aren’t I?…

Doggie Con

I’ll play with you in the sun, doggie
We can bite each other for fun, doggie,
I’ll let you have freedom, doggie,
Just feed me each time I come, doggie,

Dog your food attracts me,
Was going ’bout my business and it smacked me,
Yeah, anything you want, doggie,
‘Cause your dinner is enough, doggie,

While I was nearby that night,
I smelled something that turned me from a garbage diet,
The scent was coming from your address,
I know that you want to get out of that dog chain,

I know that you’d like to get out of this yard,
See anywhere you want, and be with other dogs,
Stop following commands and do whatever you want,
All I really want is for you to not say that you can’t….
Leave dinner for me, even if its KFC Zinger, doggie,

Tonight, be without your dinner, doggie,
Let you know what it’s like being a winner, doggie,
Kindly pass that slice of pizza, doggie,

Graffiti Doggie

When you look at this dog you can tell that I ain’t no time to waste, oh yeh
The work I do is adding yellow to your wall with this spray can near my legs, oh yeh
And you can see that I’m pretty serious ’bout my job ’cause walls I redecorate, oh yeah,
And if you cannot see the picture that I’m painting then just imagine it, as I urinate yeh…..

‘Cause I’mma paint with a splash of sunshine up in this place,
My graffiti rocks, I know ’cause your face drops while I paint things yellow….
I’mma paint with a splash of sunshine up in this place,
My graffiti rocks, I know ’cause your jaws drop while I’m painting things yellow, oh yeah,
While I’m painting things yellow, oh yeah…….

You know some of my work is priceless, that artwork you should laminate, oh yeah,
If there’s lots of faces on the wall, then listen, I don’t discriminate, oh yeah,
When I spray above your lip, just know Hulk Hogan’s mustache I just create, oh yeah,
And if you say you’re getting pissed off, sir, then that is one thing I can relate to,
Just look how this paints, yeah……..

Bad Card

Why do you dump that dog,
Why would you dump that dog……(repeat)

Verse 1
Spike tries so hard just to keep you safe,
Stopping intruders from entering your place,
He listens although he doesn’t understand,
In roughest times he’ll be by your side,
He deserves far more than what you provide,
He’s there when the world leaves you behind,
Misses when you’re gone, when you’re back it’s the happiest alive,
He’s your biggest fan, but tell me when he dies,…..

Verse 2
I see how he guards your gate in the most militant way,
He doesn’t take your life for granted, he relates instinctively,
He’s a loving pup, sigh,
Hear that loving pup cry,
Nothing covered up, boy,
He’s a loving pup, sigh…………
Many see’s your dog and beware, but he’s a loving thing,
If you ever disappear, he spends his life looking,
Don’t say you never gonna hear him utter sensible things,
He barks so you won’t be a victim, hey…………… question I have to ask.

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