After my dinner last night, I opened up a can of dog food and scraped it into my dog’s bowl. It smelled like beef stew made with dirty sneakers.

I said, “Come here boy, time for din-din!”

He approached his bowl as I watched. I felt proud that I could provide shelter and food for him. However, he took one sniff and stood up on his hind legs.

He said, “That’s it! I can’t eat this crud anymore! Taste it, it’s bad enough to gag a maggot! Why do you torture me with the same freaking food every night? How about some beef once in a while. Would a little bit of chicken really set you back you totalitarian tyrant? Maybe a diced cat occasionally would suffice. While I’m at it, why the heck do I have to sleep on the floor while you are in a comfy bed with fluffy pillows? Oh, by the way, while you are away every day, I drag my butt all over said pillows and sheets while satanically laughing. Wait, why are you smiling? Didn’t you hear anything I have said you idiot? OMG, you have ear buds in, are you listening to show tunes again you half a sissy? Good Lord, help me, SMH…”

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