50 Shades of Red-Automatic Lawnmower

I have just invented an automatic lawnmower. I’m sitting on my deck with my dog watching it perform as I sip on an ice cold beer and write this on my smart phone.

I took the shaft of a broken hockey stick and drove it into the ground. Then, I tied a rope to it and to the lawn mower.

I started from the outside perimeter about 20 feet away from the stick and started her up. As it makes laps, it will be drawn closer to the center – genius!

Live Re-enactment:

It has made two round trips so far with no effort from me. I’m quite proud of my inborn ingenuity and this fabulous machi… OMG! The rope broke!

I am running after it now, I’ll keep writing… breathe… while I run… breathe… it’s headed right for the… Oh no, it’s headed toward me! It’s going faster and I’m going slower!

I just took a sharp right and it whizzed past me – right at my dog!

“Run boy! OMG, are you hiding in your dog house? Wimp!”

I’ll dive at the rope and hold on tight. There, I’ve got it! It’s wrapped around my wrist, and I nearly spilled my beer!

It’s dragging OUCH me down AHHH the street! And my beer is spilling…


Well, about four blocks later it ran out of gas. This lawnmower sure gets poor mileage when it’s dragging a human. Now I am covered with road burn injuries. I’m 50 shades of red…

Wait, what about a dog-pulled lawnmower? This seems like a great idea! Her boy…

50 Shades of Red-Appliance Affair

After several consecutive nights of being woken by the microwave ‘beeping’ and my dog barking in the kitchen, I decided that I would get up and see what was going on. Every time I did, however, there was nothing to see.

So, I set up a surreptitiously positioned camera in the kitchen to see if there was any shenanigans going on. I was shocked insofar as what I saw on the video the next morning. I played back the tape and learned that my microwave had been having a torrid affair with my dishwasher! And, my dog was repulsed by this promiscuous discourse.

Good gosh, I turned 50 shades of red. Later in the recording, Miss Dishwasher was complaining to Mr. Microwave that his idea of romance was simply heating things up for just a minute or two, then sound off, and shut down. – “typical male microwave” she said.

Micro was complaining that Dishwasher was going through her cycle way too often. He also didn’t feel ‘dishwasher safe’ anymore and she suggested that they seek counsel from an appliance repairman – Dr. Fill.

It appears they may have a chance of having little toasters, or blenders, running around now. Just another example of how important having a dog around can be. So, if you think your appliances are scrupulously engaging in nocturnal mishegas, adopt a dog today.

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