WACKY WOOF Dog Jokes Part 1

My Dog asked me Who do atheists thank for it being Friday?

My Dog thinks waffles are just pancakes with a really bad case of dimples.

I was almost killed by kindness today. Kindness is my neighbor’s dogs name and she sicks him after me every single day. So, I thanked her. Oh, when I kick someone, I call it ‘thanked.’

My GPS doesn’t seem to work as well as it used to. It’s old, slow to start up, and it’s nearly useless some days. My Dog says he thinks it has directile dysfunction?

We bought a bag of air today. When we opened it, there was a few Doritos tortilla chips in there.

My dog says some tomatoes are raised and harvested to be brutally slaughtered just for the sake of providing ketchup for human consumption. You humans seem to be thankful for that.

Can you believe my dog thinks the number 1 cause for divorce is marriage.

Spiked dog collars were invented in ancient Greece to protect dogs throats from wolf attacks. Today though, spiked dog collars are used to let father’s know if their daughter’s boyfriend is in a heavy metal band.

Some women like to say that men are dogs. Dogs are loyal, loving, and man’s best friend. Aw, thanks ladies.

A study has shown that if a guy has a dog with him he’s three more times likely to get a girl’s phone number. The same study showed that if he’s got five or more dogs with him he’s most likely the lead character in a romantic comedy.

Dogs are the one type of animal that any kind of person can own, from someone who’s a millionaire to someone who’s homeless. Unlike cats who are strictly for single women in their 40’s and movie villains.

Most famous dogs of all time: Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Clifford the big red dog, Snoopy, and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

An average dog will play fetch and bring back the ball you threw. An extraordinary dog will play fetch and bring back the ball when you never threw it in the first place.

There are stray dogs in Russian that have learned how to ride the subway system in order to get to more populated places with food. In America, dogs have yet to figure out how to free themselves from riding in rich girl’s purses.

If I was able to create my own TV show I would create a spinoff of “The Price Is Right” where all the contestants are dogs instead of people. It would be hosted by, a thirteen­ year ­old miniature Schnauzer, named Bob Bark­er.

There’s an old saying that says a dog’s bark is worse than its bite and sadly I’ve found this to be very true. Recently a dog barked at me from inside a house as I walked past by and it caused me to have to go to the ER and get four stitches.

When it rains cats and dogs be very careful when you walk outside so you don’t accidently step in a poodle.

Some couples adopt a dog before they have children as a way to test themselves on whether they can take care of something. You can pick these people out cause when they finally have children, they put them on leashes.

The Basenji is a dog that instead of barking, yodels. If you wonder what that would be like, just imagine trying to get a good night’s sleep while at a Jewel concert.

When you tell an average pooch to “play dead” it’ll roll on it’s back. When you tell a dog that acts in films to “play dead” it’ll first reply by asking “what’s my motivation?”

Frito Feet is what people describe the smell of a dogs feet being as and is also the worst nickname for a mob boss. Frankie “Frito Feet” Coppola.

Seeing eye dogs are trained to go to the bathroom on command so their handler can clean up the mess easily, while cats can’t be told to do a damn thing.

We just got our dog spayed, so if she wants puppies she’ll have to adopt.

The heaviest pooch in recorded history weighted 319 pounds. His diet consisted of several daily servings of Kibble and Huge­Amounts­of­Bits.

The American Eskimo breed of dogs had been trained to walk across tightropes in circuses throughout the early 20th century and now use that training to get people from West Virginia “another beer”.

An average dog has the maturity level of a two­year­old human being and can 
understand up to 200 words. That’s a year and 198 more words than Kim Kardashian

A recent survey has found that the most common name for a dog is Max, while the least common name is Jebediah Ellis Cornwallis the Third.

The saying “all dogs go to heaven” is true, but what they don’t tell you is that every dog 
has to be kept on its leash.

Like every dog owner, I see all these dogs that have jobs; seeing eye dogs, guard dogs, police dogs, and wonder if my dog is ever going to get a job and a place of it’s own.

Most dogs are smart but I once knew a dog that got hit by a parked car.

Dogs have the ability to read people’s body cues and hand signals, which is probably why they become very confused when they see gang members saying hello to each other.

The movie Marley and Me tagline is “This Christmas, Heel the Love” but should really be “No matter how manly you are, get ready to cry”.

Dogs are very social animals and even have their own Facebook accounts. They’d have Twitter accounts too but not having thumbs makes it hard to text.

The original Air Bud film is about a golden retriever that joins and then plays on a basketball team. The most interesting part of the film though is never shown, just how bad was the kid that got replaced by a dog.

My Dog and I friend requested GOD today. I got a message from him that read, “AAAHAHAAAA! You thought lol lol lol that I would LOL be friends with AHAHAA the likes of you guys? BWWWAAAAAHAHAAA!”

Did you know the reason male dogs lift their legs to pee is to aim higher on objects to leave a message that they’re tall and intimidating? This is probably why my dog lays on it’s back and pees on the ceiling.

My dog’s pretty smart he asked me when escalators get old and retire, do they become a set of stairs? he want’s to know the etiquette here?

My dog asked me Who am I?
It was his impression of two porcupines… making porcupines.

A dog’s nose is about 14 times stronger than a humans, so next time you think you’re sly and pass gas without anyone noticing, there is someone who’s not very happy with you.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs aren’t allow to have sex without a permit, and they can’t go get a permit because they aren’t allow driver’s licenses.

Dogs have lived with humans for more than 14,000 years and still have no plans of moving out.

There are dogs that can alert their owners of an epileptic seizure up to an hour before it occurs, and there are husbands that can sense when to lie to their wives about whether or not they look fat in their current jeans.

Kubla Khan owned the most dogs in history with 5,000 Mastiffs. The most cats ever owned by one person is my next door neighbor Karen who “doesn’t need a man.”

Over one million dogs in the United States have been named as the primary beneficiary in their owner’s will, while, I hear, Jill isn’t even getting the fine china.

They say it takes eighteen muscles or more to move a dog’s ear, or you can just use your finger.

The shape of a dog’s face suggests how long it will live. If the same thing applied to humans, John Kerry would be estimated to live till he is about 250 years old.

If you don’t get your pup a chew toy, he’ll assign the role to something you own already.

Dogs are the only animal scientifically proven to understand human body language, something even humans have trouble doing.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, which is why most dogs retire from magic by age 10.

The most popular dog name is Max, the most popular dog is named Lassie.

German Shepherds are great at finding drugs, making them a popular dog with college kids.

Greyhound buses are meant to symbolize the best qualities of Greyhound dogs: sleek, fast, and WIFI accessible.

Petting dogs lowers blood pressure, and it’s cheaper than an HMO.

Dalmatians should have been called Wolf Cheetahs.

A fire hydrant is like Porta Potty for dogs.

Despite having three eyelids, dogs hardly use any makeup.

Dog-owners learn not to say the word “walk” around their dogs for the same reason that women learn not to say “sex” around their husbands.

His bark is worse than his bite, but with practice we’ll improve his bark too.

Be nice around Rufus, he’s very sensitive about his male pattern shedding.

Chihuahuas are very loyal. You can trust them about as far as you can throw them.

They should make a dog food specifically for Chows called Chow Chow Chow.

We just got our dog spayed, so if she wants puppies she’ll have to adopt.

I taught my dog how to “shake”, the hardest part is teaching him to have a firm grip.

If you breed a Pointer with a Hyena, the outcome is a very rude Point-And-Laugh.

Spelling lesson: D­O­G is four legged animal that humans have domesticated. D­A­W­G is a human male’s homeboy.

Puppies are a lot like little boys: if they bite, it probably means they like you.

The wolf is a close relative of the dog, but for obvious reasons never gets invited to family get-togethers.

If you liked it you should’ve put a collar on it.

Don’t use a Labrador as a home defense system. Everyone knows it can be de-activated with the code words “Good Boy”

Pitbulls get a bad rap, Pitbull makes bad rap

When it comes to pooping, dogs think outside the box.

Adopting a dog is a huge responsibility. Adopt a kid first to make sure you’re ready.

Dogs have lots of fur, so it’s important to wash them. They also have great sense of smell, so it’s important to wash yourself.

Why don’t dogs have their puppies at the beach? Because there’s a fine for littering.

The German Shepherd is one of the world’s smartest dogs, it’s really hard to learn German.

Some people aren’t cut out for being veterinarians, they get queasy at the sight of Bloodhounds.

If you’re looking for a Terrier that runs after squirrels, the Black Russian makes a great chaser.

You know that picture of a dog playing poker? Someone called his Ruff.

Did you hear about the breed that Alaskan Adventurer Edward Ted trains to get his dandruff shampoo? They are Ed Ted’s Head Med Sled Dogs.

Did you hear about the argument that the tree, the dog and the chicken got into? Bark, Bark, Bawk!

What do you call a joined leash for two Dachshunds? A sausage link.

Why did Hector lose the Trojan Dog Show? No, Achilles! HEEL

What do you call a deaf dog? Whatever you want.

There once was a dog that barked all night. It was a ruff night for his neighbors.

Why did the hairless dog scratch like he had fleas? He had Dand-RUFF

Hear about the dog that slept on his fleas? He wasn’t up to scratch.

Did you hear about the new book that dogs are going CRAZY for? It’s called “Everything’s A Shade of Grey”

Why are dogs involved in police work and not cats? They get the bigger collars.

Where do you study the ill effects chocolate has on dogs? The Chocolate Lab.

My favorite Boxer’s name is Mr. Snuffles, my second favorite is Mike Tyson.

My bulldog always as a guilty face after he breaks something. Never guilty enough not to do it again though.

I know a guy with a Giant Schnauzer, and his dog’s big too.

It was hard teaching my dog to play dead, so I just got a possum.

Getting a dog doesn’t teach your kid responsibility, making him pay for his own dog does.

A healthy doggy diet is high in protein and homework.

It’s nice if your mom likes the girl you’re marrying, it’s imperative that your dog does.

It would be great to be top dog. Heck, being any level dog seems pretty fun.

My dog never begged for food, he always offered to work for it.

My dog thinks I’m an idiot because I still go to the bathroom inside the house.

The veterinarian can also be called a Dogtor.

How much salt is in a recipe for dog food? A Doberman pinch.

You know what dog likes living on the edge? A Border Collie

Sure junkyard dogs are mean, but only when they’re on the clock.

Dogs are such great swimmers, there’s a swimming style named after them. But to be fair there’s a swimming style named after butterflies too.

I don’t mind if my dog wakes me up with his wet nose, it’s when he wakes me up with wet paws I get nervous.

My pup never understands when I scold him, he thinks a wagging finger is the same as a wagging tail.

Cats have to go to heaven too, because dog heaven wouldn’t be fun without cats to chase.

Dogs mark their territory by urinating, so my dog knows the toilet is definitely mine.

Sometimes a wolf wears sheep’s clothing just because he thinks it looks nice.

Huskies might not always win Best in Show, but they’re a ringer for Best in Snow.

Male dogs don’t liked to be hugged because it comes across as a show of dominance and they really don’t like meeting their girlfriends’ parents as its a sign of being in a committed relationship.

A survey showed that 33% of dog owners admit that they call their dogs on the phone or leave messages on answering machines while they are away, and one person, Ted, swears that his dog answers.

About 30% of Dalmatians are deaf in one or both ears. So when you give them a command you have to do it like when you’re talking to your grandma and do it into “the good ear”.

A puppy is considered an adult at the age of one and my brother, who’s 30­years­old, and stills lives in my parents basement, is considered a man­child.

Having a dog for 11 years totals an estimated cost of around $13,550. So just remember you can invest in a dog and have 11 years of companionship and wonderful memories, or you could buy a Nissan Versa.

Dogs with big, square heads, with large ears are the best at hearing subsonic sounds, while dogs with enormous heads and very small eyes are best at modeling for cartoonish paintings.

Many dogs who star in films and television shows only last a few years before returning to normal life because they find the Hollywood lifestyle too ruff.

Few people realize Clifford was called the Big Red Dog because that was his favorite gum.

Look at that dog park, I didn’t even know he could drive.

Don’t give a dog as a surprise birthday present. The only way someone should take on that much a responsibility by surprise is if they accidentally have a kid.

What do you call a cold puppy? Pupsicle.

Dogs took it kind of personally when Snoop became Snoop Lion.

Some dogs are impossible to tame. They’re called wolves

The first animal in space was a dog, most animals were fine with that but it really annoyed guinea pigs.

Elroy Jetson named his dog Astro, after his grandpa, an astrophysicist.

Dogs are often used to help people in rehab programs. Pugs not drugs.

My dog is doing very well, he just bought his 3rd dog house.

I got a metal detector, he’s a golden retriever.

If a dog were to symbolize America, it would be the Bald Beagle.

about Andrea Edwards

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