Jingle Bells (As Sung By My Dog)

The cat’s out in the snow
It’s a one-dog wonder day!
My owner doesn’t know
I’m laughing all the way
Ha ha ha!
It makes me want to sing
My spirit is so bright!
Oh what fun it is to laugh and sing
When the cat is locked outside!

Oh!
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun
The cat’s outside
It really makes my day!

She put up quite a fight
But I’m the one that won
When she chased the mouse outside
I locked the door and run!
Ha ha ha!
So join me in my song
I am having lots of fun!
That feline pest has met her match
The doggie’s number one!

Oh!
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun
The cat’s outside
It really makes my day!

I ordered pizza to go
While the cat was locked outside
I drove my owner’s car
I dig that fancy ride!
Pepperonis and sausage too
It really hit the spot!
I licked my lips through the window pane
After I was done!

Oh!
Jingle bells
Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun
The cat’s outside
It really makes my day!

Oh, Christmas Tree (As Sung By My Dog)

Oh Christmas Tree! (As sang by my dog…)
Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
Your branches, they excite us!
They bend and sway when I try to swing
From limb to limb like a chicken with wings
Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree,
Your Branches, they excite us!

Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
You are hiding all my presents!
Give me now, my batman tights
My doggie bone and rawhide bites
Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
Relinquish all my presents!

Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
I’ll water you each day now!
I’ll keep your limbs green with shine
It keeps me in during potty time
Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
I’ll water you each day now!

Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
You fill my heart with gladness
I watch the cat climb up your limbs
She slips right down, and hits her chin
Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
You fill my heart with gladness!

Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
The humans have dementia!
They tell tall tales about Santa’s hood
And how he knows if I’ve been bad or good!
Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
The humans have dementia!

Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
I sing to you for good measure!
You didn’t know that a dog could sing
Much less a song about a Christmas tree
Oh Christmas Tree! Oh Christmas Tree!
I sing to you for good measure!

Here Comes Santa Claus (As sung by my dog…)

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Weaving down Santa Claus Lane,
Budweiser and Miller have all of his reindeer
Tipsy pulling the sleigh!
Cop lights flashin’, Mid-night dashin’
What a pitiful sight!
Go to bed and cover up your head,
Cuz Santa ain’t coming tonight!

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Weaving down Santa Claus Lane,
He’s got a bag filled with bones and toys
For all dogs, man’s best friend!

Hear those sirens, see the cop’s firing
All ain’t happy and bright!
Jump in bed and cover up your head!
Cuz Santa got drunk tonight!

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Weaving down Santa Claus Lane,
Maybe he’ll come around, whenever he gets out,
It’ll be Christmas time again!

What a mess this has caused
What a pitiful sight!
Santa gets out in five to ten
Cuz Santa got drunk tonight!

Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Weaving down Santa Claus Lane,
Budweiser and Miller have all of his reindeer
Tipsy pulling the sleigh!
Cop lights flashin’, Mid-night dashin’
What a pitiful sight!
Go to bed and cover up your head,
Cuz Santa ain’t coming tonight!

Walking in a Winter Wonderland (as sung by dogs)

My owner’s yard, oh how it is glistening
In the yard, he is a whistling
Oh my, what a sight
He stepped in it tonight
Walking in a winter wonderland

He stepped in my mess, he said a bad word
It was really bad, he said the F word
It was not a love song
He thinks I did wrong
Messing up his winter wonderland

I wouldn’t recommend, to build a snowman
In the yard where I release my inner bowels
He’ll say: Did you clean up?
I will say: No man!
But you can the job
Where it is found!

Later on, he conspires
As he sits, by the fire
To make me afraid
Of the mess that I’ve made
Going in his winter wonderland

In the meadow he takes me to go man
He says, “Go now!” and then gives me a frown…
I’m embarrassed having him as a watchman
It is so hard when others are around…

Not in snow, it’s not so thrilling
If you need to go, you get a chilling
So I’m here now to say, I’m running away
Not going in this winter wonderland…

Twas The Night Before Christmas (As narrated by my dog…)

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
I smelled goodies baking, ham, turkey, and souse?
I pulled down all the stockings–with ever so much care
In hopes there’d be doggie treats, but no, they weren’t there!

The children were all smug—asleep in their beds,
Visions of Christmas treats dancing in their heads…
Not a second thought for the hungry pup whilst they napped
Wait, I’ll check the fridge for goodies left unwrapped!

While emptying out the fridge, I slipped—the mashed potatoes started to spatter
Mother rose from her bed, to find out what was the matter!
I stole away ‘neath the table, I was fast as a flash!
While she investigated the crime scene, and discovered my secret stash…

This mother, she’s fast, she nimble and quick!
She’s like that Jack Dude, who jumped over that candlestick!
“Come here pup! You’re in big trouble for eating all the fixings!”
I made my way down the fire escape, narrowly missing execution!

I shimmied up a tree, and jumped on the roof
What? Eight tiny reindeer, making noise with their hooves!
I shushed them to be quiet, Don’t make a sound!
Then some big jolly fat guy showed up, he was ever so round!

He told me to get lost, so he could do his work.
Wow, if this was Santa, he was being a jerk!
I got out of his way, I was slick as a whistle!
He jumped down the chimney, like a nuclear missile!

I heard him shout, as he disappeared out of sight,
“Holy crap!! It’s hot and this chimney’s tight”
Now, the reindeer and I would have to take to flight!
We were off to deliver gifts all through the night,
I’m filling in for Santa and feeling oh so right!

My snout sniffing all the scents in the wind
We were circling the moon on this incredible spin
I’ve mushed the snow with my husky bro’s
And even watched the movie 8 below
But I never dreamed I would be riding in Santa’s scene!!
Maybe next year if Santa’s not too mean
He and I can be the new Christmas Team!!

What to do with Christmas Leftovers??

‘Tis the season for all dogs to dream of turkey legs, ham shanks, gravy and other tantalizing goodies! I approached my owner this morning, his slippers in my mouth, being extra good so that I could get on Santa’s “nice” list and get some extra Christmas goodies!

My owner said, “Aww, thanks Fido! You are such a good and amazing dog!” He then gave me an awesome neck rub and belly scratch. I kicked my leg in gratitude and my owner made his way out the door to go to work.

All was right in my world. I breathed in the smell of the wonderful aroma of Christmas goodies baking and let out an all-encompassing “life is amazing” sigh! What happened next, was to shock my senses and make me question the fabric of reality itself. It turned my canine world completely upside down!

There, on his laptop, keyboard still greasy with turkey-stained fingertips, was an unfinished document my owner penned to his readers. Here is how it went…
“Hello dear readers! Are you stumped on what to do with all the left-over turkey, ham, giblet gravy and other Christmas goodies?? After all, you, the misses, and the children have all had your fill but are reluctant to throw Christmas leftovers away. Here are a few recipes you can make to keep from throwing those leftovers out to the dogs…”

It stopped there…Thank God! I was verklempt as the tears started to flow down and matt up my facial fur. My paws shook with emotion and I finished typing my owner’s post…

“Of course, why not give your most loyal, compassionate and dearest friend a taste of those rich Christmas turkey and ham morsels he so richly deserves?? Listen friends, forget about those recipes. It is time for all dog owners everywhere to show their canine buddies the respect they so richly deserve. I hereby decree all Christmas goody leftovers to be the sole property of any dog residing in your household. Goodwill and peace on earth to one and all…”

Then, I hit “publish.” Another wrong in the world righted!! My work here is done…

All I Want for Christmas is You! (As Sang by my dog…)

I don’t need a lot for Christmas
There’s just one thing for me
Forget about all those presents
Underneath that big old Christmas tree!
I just want one for my own
What it means to me you’ll never know!
A fire hydrant shiny and new
Baby, all I want for Christmas, is you!

No, I don’t need much for Christmas
After all, what does a dog really need?
Forget about dog bones and biscuits
Underneath that big old Christmas tree!
When I go to do my business
It is oh, so cold outside!!
With a fire hydrant for Christmas
I can relieve myself inside!
I need one of these for my own
What it means to me you’ll never know
Santa make my dreams come true
A fire hydrant shiny and new
Baby, all I want for Christmas is you!

I won’t ask too much for Christmas
I don’t want no dog toys, Oh no!
This will make my life much simpler
I won’t freeze to death, out in the snow!
One item on this list, please get it
Here is my wish for you Saint Nick
I go to sleep and I hope to wake to
My shiny fire hydrant wish!
I just want that here tonight!
I’ll hug it and I’ll squeeze it tight
Anything else just won’t do

My tears will be brightly shining
People will see them everywhere
The sound of all my
Infinity whining
Will fill the sound throughout the air
While everyone else is singing
My voice so loud out will be ringing
Santa you know there’s only one thing I really need
Won’t you please bring it home to me?

Oh baby, all I want for Christmas…is you!!

about Andrea Edwards

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