Think not what your dog can do for you; think what you can do for your dog.

A Maltese with a big stick in its mouth looks a whole lot like a little mop.

Retriever’s strong, steady jaws make them great at retrieving almost anything. Except water balloons.

I want to get my dog a Christmas present, but I think he might be Jewish.

We call Bernie a lap dog, because he likes to sit on the laptop.

Dogs purr with their tails.

People who dress their dogs are enablers. Don’t coddle your pet like that, let him dress himself.

“Heard your puppy had an accident” “Ya, but it was only a fender bender”

Dogs would like going to the vet a lot more if the vet used an ear thermometer.

How many kilograms are in a Dog Pound?

A Yorkie puppy can also be called a New Yorkie.

It’s hard to bathe a big dog because you need a big tub, and people get angry if you use their pool.

“Walking the dog” is a trick people do with a yoyo. I was never very good at it, so spent most of my time “cleaning up after the dog”

Please do not pet the dog, if you do you won’t be able to stop for at least 4 minutes.

“Hey man, I’m telling you they’ve got us all microchipped” – Dog Conspiracy Theorist

I’m sick as a dog, that is to say I’m sick but want to play anyway.

The expression “hair of the dog that bit you” refers to having more alcohol to fix a hangover. If a dog actually bites you, eh, alcohol still helps that too.

I work like a dog, meaning I get excited then take a nap.

Not many people know this, but Batman is a dog person.

Don’t worry if your ears are floppy, it happens to lots of dogs.

I’m pretty sure my dog is deaf. That or he isn’t listening to me.

Dogs can understand tone, but not many words. That’s the same way I understand pop music.

A thousand puppies is called a kilolitter.

Has your dog ever sniffed what you’re eating then walked away? It’s a sign you should start eating better.

“The food was good, but dry” – Dog Food Reviewer

My dog knows how to dance, and knows not to tear up the rug.

I got a dog trainer to get my dog that beach body he’s wanted.

I’m always telling dogs to “speak” and telling people to “shut up.”

I put my dog on a diet by decreasing his portions. He put me on a diet by burying my donuts in the backyard.

Trying to figure out what breed your dog is? Check ancestry.com.

What do you when your dog has puppies around the holidays? A Hairy Christmas and a Yappy New Year!

What happens when a dog eats too many candy canes? He gets a peppermint bark.

No ones allergic to dogs, people are allergic to dog fur!

Humans have kept dogs as pets for over 12,000 years. That’s also how long dogs have kept humans as poop-picker-uppers.

Rin Tin Tin was the first dog to make it in Hollywood, and like everyone else when he hit it big he quit his bartending job.

The smallest dog ever weighed four ounces. His doggy carrier was a pocket.

I enjoy the Yorkshire Terrier, and its more gritty American cousin the New Yorkshire Terrier.

You can give someone a puppy for Christmas, or for Hanukkah you can give them a whole litter one day at a time!

My dog is really into sports. He doesn’t care much about the athletes but he’s a big fan of the ball.

Very small dogs are referred to as “toys”, which can lead to awkward mix-ups if you’re trying to buy a dog a toy.

How do dogs cheer each other on? A round of appaws!

Dogs are great picture takers. As the subject, not the photographer.

What did Poodles do before there were dog groomers?

The Cardigan Welsh Corgi got its name from its great choice in sweaters.

If you don’t like Rottweiler’s, try Freshweilers.

Are housetraining and apartment-training different things?

About 25% of dogs snore while they sleep and 100% of their wives make them sleep on the couch because of it.

A one year old dog has the maturity level of a 15­ year­ old human. The only differences between the two being, a one year old dog doesn’t dress like a goth and get easily embarrassed with anything their parents do or say.

If dogs meet creatures that are in a higher pack or have more status, they will be naturally submissive towards them, and most likely will hear their wives complain that they need to grow themselves a backbone.

A Siberian Huskie is a medium to large, dense­coat working dog breed that originated in north­eastern Siberia, while a Suburban Huskie is someone that is overweight and lives in the suburbs.

Greyhounds can run up to 45 miles an hour but never reach that speed while in a school zone.

5 million new puppies are born every year in the United States of America because of the lack of money to print dog pamphlets teaching pooches about safe sex.

Poodles often take top honors at dog shows, but many other dog breeds believe the Poodle’s great performance it’s mainly due to steroid use.

The United States has the highest population of dogs. The biggest health issue among dogs is obesity. Coincidence?

A boxer named Brandy holds the record for having the longest tongue of any dog, measuring seventeen inches long. You can see it for yourself this summer when Brandy goes on tour with the group Kiss.

How does the dog keep his bones fresh? He stores them in Pup-perware!

Why did the dog fly to the moon? He wanted to see what all the howling was about!

Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Dog food to Dew!

A good dog is a combination best friend and garbage disposal.

What did the dog use to bake a cake? Collie flour!

What does the dog wear to keep it’s feet warm? PUGG boots!

How does the dog reminisce about all the food he’s eaten? He keeps a scraps book!

What was the dog’s favorite movie about space? A-paw-llo 13!

What type of dog is always having his mail sent back to him? A return to Dachsund-er!

Why did the couple Kiss after petting their dog? It was an ARF-rodisiac!

What was the dog’s favorite chair? A bark-alounger!

Why did the dog make a great reporter? He was good at chasing tales!

What type of dog is good at chopping down trees? A Lumberjack Russell Terrier!

What did the woman ask when she was trying to buy a dog online? “How much is that doggy in the Microsoft Windows?”

What was the Australian dog’s favorite Christmas carol? DingoBells!

Where do you keep puppies during a baseball game? A dogout!

What’s a dog’s favorite spy movie? Mission: Im-paws-ible!

What does a pooch use to play table tennis? A doggy paddle!

Dogs were into composting before it was cool.

Why do dogs chase cars because they’re hoping they can get introduced to a garbage truck.

What type of dogs do cheerleaders love? Pom-Pomeranians!

What type of dog is always extremely cold? A Bichon Freeze!

Who was the star of Dog Gone Girl? Benji Arfleck!

What type of dog is a big crybaby? A chi-waaaahh-waaaaahh!

Why was the dog scared of the number 7? Because 7 8 K9!

What did Batman call his dog? The Bark Knight!

What do you call it a when dog makes a picture frame out of popsicle sticks? Arfs and Crafts!

Why did the dog always eat off of Bunsen burners? His vet told him to eat some Science Diet!

What do you call it when a dog doesn’t score in a tennis match? Puppy LOVE!

What’s a dog’s favorite southern cookin’ dish? Collar-ed greens!

What’s a dog’s favorite kind of steak? Wag-yu beef!

Why did the old dog flunk out of magic school? Because you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Why was there barking coming through the TV speakers? Someone set the volume to Malamute.

What was the mixed breed’s favorite ballet? The Muttcracker!

What do you call it when a dog does graffitti? Dog Tags!

What dog is a little cheesy and a little spicy? A Pepper Jack Russell Terrier!

What dog do you spin on Hanukkah? A dreidalmation

Why did the dog go to the skeleton store? He had a bone to pick with the owner.

How does an Italian dog say goodbye? “Puppy ciao”

What’s a dog’s favorite bank? Chase!

Puppies have 28 teeth, adult dogs have 42. Very old dogs, much like people, have none.

Dogs curl up in a ball when they sleep to keep warm. They curl up into a football to keep interesting.

You’d get bored, too, if your life was measured in dog hours.

One man’s priceless artifact is another dog’s chew toy.

Dogs don’t get married. Humans wouldn’t get married, either, if they measured in dog years.

We’re all basically dogs. We chase our tails. When we catch them, we’re invariably disappointed.

There are no dog politicians. Dogs can kiss their own butts.

Dogs have one stage of grief. Then it’s on to the next new smell.

Have you seen my dog tag? He runs up, bonks you, and runs away.

Time destroys all we hold dear but Dogs are far more efficient at it!

A dog’s body temperature is much higher than a person’s. Well I mean, higher than a person’s who doesn’t have a fever.

It’s not true that dogs only see in black and white like a 40’s film. They see in color but dimly, like a bootleg copy of a 90s film.

Dog whistles can only be heard by dogs, and are considered very rude.

A dog’s heart beats much faster than a human’s. Maybe it’s because they’re in love, more likely it’s because of genetics.

45% of dogs sleep in their owners’ bed every night. The other 55% get a hotel.

Chow Chows are known for their black tongues, which are genetic. It’s not from eating black licorice.

Dogs have more taste buds than humans. So if he doesn’t like something you’ve made, it’s because he knows something you don’t.

It’s unfortunate that “chasing tail” is an expression for men trying to pick up women, because dogs who chase tails rarely catch theirs.

about Andrea Edwards

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