My dog’s name is Fluffy, because he always fluffs the pillows.

Swedish dogs are great, but so hard to put together.

“The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” is a sentence that contains every letter of the alphabet. It’s also a sentence that dogs really resent.

You know what dogs say, “all is fair in heat and war.”

Have you heard about the dog that was elected mayor? He ran his whole campaign on a leash.

Converting human years to dog years is the same as converting dollars to euros, it seems like you’ve got less but they’re worth so much more.

I thought I taught my dog how to “kiss”, but it turns out I just always have food on my face and he’s happy to clean it.

They say people look a lot like their dogs. Especially ugly people.

Puppies are born blind and deaf, which is one reason all seeing-eye-dogs are adults.

Dogs can dream just like people do, though to them the classic “naked in front of everyone you know” dream isn’t quite as weird.

No two dog noses are the same, so dog detectives dust for noseprints.

It must have been tough to make 101 Dalmatians, especially for the guy who had to clean up.

When I walk my dog I make sure to give him some time off the leash. Wish my wife would extend me the same courtesy.

Dogs have been proven to get jealous if their owner plays with another animal, though they don’t seem to mind texting.

An experienced sailor who’s also a grouch would be called a “salty dog sourpuss”

You’ve got to let your dog know that you’re the alpha, which is hard since he watches you clean up his poop for him.

That dog is a great mime, it’s as if there’s an invisible fence between us.

Dog’s keep their leftover food in a “people bag”

I keep a Mastiff to guard my house and a Chihuahua to guard my purse.

My dog eats like a king, he has me try all his food first to make sure it’s ok.

We make our Poodle wear a muzzle around company. She’s not a biter, she can just be offensively sarcastic.

Rufus hates having to wear a cone but his cell reception has never been better.

A pet is a like a guy friend, when he makes a mistake you rub his nose in it.

Let sleeping dogs lie, or be ready to run really fast.

Give a dog a bone, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a dog to bone, and he’ll never have time to eat.

In my attempt to teach my dog not to sit on the furniture, I’ve ended up teaching him how not to get caught sitting on the furniture.

Have you been to Central Park on a summer afternoon? It’s a dog eat hotdog world out there.

Dogs only have sweat glands on their paws, that explains why their socks smell so bad.

Puppy love refers to an innocent crush, but anyone who’s ever loved a puppy knows there ain’t nothing more serious.

If they can make flea collars for dogs why can’t they make lice collars for kids?

I’ve got a hunting dog, you should see what he can do with a rifle.

Dalmatians don’t pee on fire hydrants out of respect for the job.

Dogs bury bones because they think they’ll grow into skeletons.

Pavlov’s dog learned to salivate when he heard a bell, and more impressively learned to yell “Pavlov! Get the Door!”

Another term for an underdog is a subwoofer.

Every dog has his day, because when you’re a dog every day is yours.

“Raining cats and dogs” doesn’t make sense, it would be hailing.

Our dog is lost, and he’s taking a few months off in Europe to find himself.

Dogs judge an object based on the first movement the other object makes and not by its cover.

A dog named Nesbit had more than 1 million airline miles with Delta and even had his own frequent flier card with them. The funniest thing, he had no idea, cause you know, he’s a dog.

Dogs drink water mainly by using the backs of their tongue like a mini cup. Dogs also mainly eat food by shaping their tongue into a spork.

45% of dogs sleep in the bed of its owner, and 10% of dogs sleep in bed with the owner’s best friend.

When you smile at your dog with your teeth showing, they don’t see it as a smile­ they 
see it as a sign of aggression. This is why dogs love babies and grandparents the 
most.

Greyhounds have the best eyesight of any breed of dog and only wear glasses to appear smarter.

I don’t know why being in trouble is called being “put in the doghouse.” It’s comfy, it’s roomy, and it’s close to home.

The colder your climate, the worse it is to get a small dog. When it snows you might lose it.

Some people prefer Chocolate Labs, though my personal favorites are Cookie Dough Labs.

It’s silly to dress your dog in clothes. Except leather jackets, those make anything cool.

I like big dogs because you can play wrestle with them, but not too big because then you can’t win.

I’m really busy during the day, so I taught my Terrier to pet himself.

Your dog can be trusted with all your secrets because he’s loyal, but mostly because he can’t tell anyone.

Our puppy is a bit jealous of our new baby, mostly because he’s allowed to go to the bathroom without leaving the house.

Dogs agree with you because they love you, it makes it really hard to get a second opinion.

Dogs can be taught how to speak, but it takes lots of practice to be a great orator.

My dog is great at fetch, he’s so good I can’t even throw trash out without him bringing it back.

It’s great to teach your dog to bring you your paper. It’s cheaper to teach your dog to bring you your neighbor’s paper

Some people put their dogs in doggy daycare, but no one puts their dog in doggy boarding school.

I like my beers like I like my dogs, stout and Belgian.

Do American Eskimo dogs have igloo doghouses?

Fleas love dogs because of their thick fur, high body temperature, and fun attitude.

It’s terrible when your dog has worms, unless he’s going fishing.

My dog doesn’t like sleeping in the bed I got him, because he thinks that his bed is the one I got myself.

Every dog has unique paw prints, they’re happy to demonstrate them on the whitest sheets you have available.

We got a doggy door to scare burglars into thinking we had a dog. They just used it to sneak in more easily.

My dog doesn’t eat any processed foods, and like a person who doesn’t eat processed foods he’s always bragging about it.

Every time I take my dog for a walk, he ends up taking me for a run.

A dog makes a good best man at a wedding, but men make pretty lousy dogs anywhere.

Sled dogs probably wonder why they’re necessary, and why people just don’t go sledding downhill.

Must love dogs. Can feel any way about people.

Dogs with short snouts tend to have breathing issues, and trouble keeping their glasses on.

When dogs do something wrong they always look guilty, that’s why they hire cats as lawyers.

You can’t judge a dog by its collar.

Some dogs make fun of the Saint Bernard, they say “I don’t care that it’s a barrel, you’re basically carrying a purse.”

The secret to the best human foods is butter. The secret to the best dog foods is peanut butter.

It’s normal for a dog to try catching its own tail by chasing it. It’s weird for a dog to try catching its own tail by setting traps.

If dogs tend to like someone, it means he’s probably a good person. Or carries beef jerky in his pants.

My friend is thinking of getting a Standard Schnauzer, but I suggested he goes for the deluxe.

Dogs are omnivores, which is a scientifically polite way to say they’ll eat anything.

My dog pees whenever he’s excited. It’s rough because he’s really excitable.

My dog always tries to protect me. He reads the fine print of all contracts I sign.

It’s ok to treat your dog like your baby. Don’t treat your baby like your dog.

A great name for an American Foxhound is George Clooney.

My dog loves taking baths on his own, but those baths aren’t necessarily in water.

Dogs can learn and obey simple commands within minutes. Cats learn commands, but it’s the obey part they have a problem with.

The hardest part of being a Shepherd is tracking all of the sheep without falling asleep.

Dogs love is unconditional, so they rarely get divorced.

Do you prefer domesticated dogs or imported ones?

When I hear my dog bark, I know exactly what he’s saying. Wish it were that easy when my boss barked.

A dog is your best friend. No matter how bad you smell, your dog is into it.

I’m trying to teach my dog not to bite people, but honestly I can’t disagree with the people he’s chosen.

Dogs are born entertainers. They never, ever don’t want more attention

Christmas is a great time for dogs, there’s a tree full of sticks and fetching balls that people put up.

Why was the doggie so angry at the waitress? She kept giving away all his bags!

A dog would make an awesome president, but he’d never win the cat or squirrel vote.

If dogs could be superheroes they’d fight crime and prevent owners from leaving their pets at home.

“Dogs are barking” is an expression meaning that your feet hurt. It’s also an expression meaning that your dogs are barking.

People who make Facebook accounts for their pets are so silly, when your pet tries to get a job he’s not going to want all those pictures on the internet.

My dog’s favorite thing about his water bowl is that it can flush.

My neighbor was mad that my dog went in his lawn, I was mad he didn’t pay me for the free fertilizer.

If you’re shy, try to get as excited about meeting new people as you dog is. Okay, now take it down a notch.

This holiday season, I’m thinking of getting an iPawd for my dog.

K-9 is the name for police dogs. K-1 through K-8 were the other animals police tried to unsuccessfully train.

What do you call a bird dog holding a ray gun? A Laser Pointer.

I don’t believe in fur so I don’t have a fur hat, but I like the way it looks so I have my dog nap on my head.

We called him Old Yeller because he was old and because we couldn’t pronounce “Yellow”

A dog shaking off water is like a drum solo. You know when it’s going to happen, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Snoopy is the only dog who’s doghouse has a roof-deck.

My dog is on a new social network, Snoutbook.

Dogs stick out their tongues to get cool, and they stick out their butts to show them off.

I adopted a puppy so I could teach him fresh, and adopted an older dog so he’d tell me what I’m supposed to teach him.

The American Kennel Club is very exclusive, VID’s only.

No matter how depressed, or unsuccessful, or down on yourself you get, your dog will always know you as “that person with the dog food.”

A dog nap is like a cat nap but more productive and not as long.

about Andrea Edwards

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